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Still here……………unfortunately?

by kdf_333

Sooooo…. covid has not killed me. Doubtful it will. I rarely get sick. I get a mild cold/fever sometimes cuz i am allergic to my own eggs. So when i ovulate my body tries to kill the invaders. Lol.

Anyways,  my menstrual cycle messes with my hormones. Hormones mess with my brain chemicals. I get even more depressed. So lucky me! it’s the holidays and now i have that great social anxiety i get when i am going to be with my family for long periods of time. Yay.

And cuz of covid, work has really sucked. I have to work at home. The first couple months were great. But i work for the public. The best parts of my job are interacting with my coworkers and customers. So i have no work to do that i enjoy. I stopped working around july/august . Nobody noticed. Nobody has said anything. So i am grateful i am getting paid but feel guilty. I just realized i had to order something that needed to be here by January. It is december 23. I think how somebody else would not have let that slip. How somebody else could do my job better…or just fucking do it. I feel guilty. I also feel like i do shit like this on purpose to see if anybody notices..if anybody cares what i do. Maybe if i feel needed or necessary i would work like i can and should. Maybe i’d have a reason to get out of bed. Today I will come up with a lame excuse. Everybody will be understanding and i will keep my job. Sigh.

My to do list keeps growing. Lots of little things. Maybe 3 or 4 big things. Nothing that difficult. A few things are rather expensive and inconvenient. A lot of things i now have to do cuz i did not do other little things years, months, weeks ago. So my self destructive ways are seen at work, in my apt’s lil things that need to be fixed..now a few big things, my car-small things, now a few big things, and my body small things are now big things. Unfortunately one will not die from cavities. They do pull your half dead tooth and replace it with a fake one. I had to that once already. Very expensive, now i am gonna have to do it again. Cuz of my anxiety (and lack of care about being alive), i don’t go to the dentist or doctor.

I feel guilty for having insurance to go and not going. I feel guilty cuz it is a waste of money. and sooooooooo many folks would love to be able to go to the dentist and doctor on a regular basis.

I feel guilty for not liking my job anymore when soo many folks are jobless now due to covid.

I feel guilty for being so physically heathy but wishing i was dead when so many folks are sick.

I feel guilty for feeling needless anxiety about being with my family when sooo many folks cannot see their family or don’t have one or have an awful toxic family.

I feel guilty for not eating and sometimes wasting food when so many are starving.

I feel guilty for buying shit when i have so much debt and am not spending the money on others or stuff i actually need.

I feel guilty for taking up space in this world when i have no talents or anything to give to others to make their lives better.

I feel guilty for constantly fantasizing about committing suicide when i know my family loves me and i truly believe Christ died for me.

i feel guilty for being depressed when my life is not awful. I feel guilty for being depressed when i have never been physically or sexually abused or assualted. I feel guilty for being depressed when my heart has never been broken cuz i have never loved anything or anyone enough for that to happen.

i feel guilty for using real life celebrities as objects of my sexual fantasies and reading fanfics about them in order to self medicate and temporarily stop my mind from thinking about wanting to not exist.

I feel guilty for lamenting being kinda smart (cuz then maybe i’d be too dumb to be this depressed.) when so many folks i know struggled in school and work cuz they were not as bright as me.

I just feel so guilty.

but the guilt has kept me from committing suicide. I would not want to leave this mess of an apartment for my family to clean. I would never want to leave all these debts for my family to have deal with. I would never want my coworkers to think they should have known since we get training on mental health awareness every year. I would not want my friends on social media to think they should have seen the signs. I would not want the first responders to feel bad they could not save me. That and in my area there is high possiblity the first responder would actually be someone that knows me or my family. Sooo yeah i don’t want to add to anybody’s cache of trauma.

i always think if i had a family or a talent or was irreplaceable at work i would not feel like a waste of space. But the famous folks who have millions that love their creativity and the contents they produce commit suicide. Folks that have spouses and children and jobs that give joy to millions. I don’t understand why they think they are not worthy of space.

Sigh.

Me, i truly am not. So i don’t know why I am here. The whole point of humans is to love, be loved, and create. I am loved but i don’t love and neither do I create.

so why am i here?

still.

 

 

2 comments
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2 comments

a1957 12/24/2020 - 12:48 pm

Great questions all. Great observations too. I used to do or not do stuff at work to see if anyone would notice. They noticed. Also, I had a work mate who partially completed each and every assignment in such a way that people had to redo most of it again. Her dismissal 6 months later might have been a mild surprise to her but it had been about 3 months in the making that I knew of. I know Christ loves me too and wondered what that had to with suicide. After much biblical consideration, it seems our maker is not overly concerned about our manner of death. But I did discover that if we can help someone he loves he considers it done for Him. That keeps me going during days when I sorely wish I could be enjoying the afterlife instead of suffering mental pain down here. Also, I like my therapist.

fxd45tsp 12/28/2020 - 12:41 pm

Hello,

Unfortunately, due to how suicide is viewed in our current so-called “evolved” society, talking about it grants a person (more precisely be forced into) a trip to the hospital. Forced by others who do not understand to get various treatments (although they mean well). But I digress.

I will try to keep this short (and probably fail so heads up).

Boy your post really hit home. A lot of individuals on this website have truly horrendous lives. They are living/have been exposed to very traumatic situations (relationships, poverty, crippling medical conditions, etc). I do feel very sad for these peoples and can understand their situation. Actually, I would say that any normal human being would find it impossible to not be depressed living what they are going through. Compared to me, they have real reasons to be depressed.

I am 45 years old. I work in government (very stable and secure employment). My health problems are limited to Herpes, rotting teeth due to bad eating habits, and some slight degradation in my knee joints (slight wear and tear, normal at my age). Nothing really bad or crippling. I was married once (now divorced). We each went our separate ways but stayed friends (we talk on the phone every 2-3 days). It seems to bring her comfort and does so for me. No kids. My dad passed away about 2-3 years ago. Still have my mom, brother and sister. They say they love me even though I very rarely see them. The last time was about 1.5 years ago and due to the scamdemic, will be minimum another 6 months. I do love them but do not really feel the need to see them. My mom had breast cancer but has recovered no complications (reconstructive surgery went well and no trace of cancer). All of them in good health and still have secure jobs. I have never been abused, or even experienced/seen anything traumatic. The only experiences I could even call remotely close to being traumatic was getting into a fight to defend myself when I was 10 years old and when my dad passed away 2-3 years ago. So in retrospect, I have all I need to survive (food, water, an apartment, secure employment, no debts, etc). I have all I need to be comfortable. I live a minimalist lifestyle by choice. I cannot see any problems on the horizon.

And yet I have no will to do anything. I do get to work because I am paid and would feel dishonest if I did nothing. And I know for certain someone from work would seek me out anyway. I feel I have no purpose, no real reason to be in this world. I have no special talent, and provide absolutely nothing positive to humanity. I consume plants and animals to survive (like everyone else), depriving them of their own lives that they actually want to live. And this world does not get anything in return from me. I thought that maybe I should do like common people (get a family, kids, a house, etc). Note that I used the word “common” and not “normal” (there is a difference between these two). That might give myself some purpose and provide some return to this planet. But I have no desire for any of these things. I terminated my previous relationship because she wanted kids and I did not. Which in itself goes against the natural human programming and society so to speak. Whatever I do, I do mostly because of some obligation and not because I really want to. Except typing this comment of course.

My days off are limited to waking up, finding the will to go buy junk food (which has made me overweight and given me rotten teeth), and watch documentaries on youtube the rest of the day. Very sedentary lifestyle. I guess the sugar/salt/fat keeps me somewhat happy. But like everything else, it is temporary.

All my life, I have always procrastinated. Situations that are small at first degrade then become too big for me to ignore, with harsher consequences if not fixed. Only then do I take corrective action. I always wondered why I was this way. I see other men having projects, taking care of their family, giving back to this world. They have drive, an unstoppable will to accomplish things. I am the complete opposite of them. I do not consider myself a man but simply a male with no existential purpose. Everyone will get a complete letter of the alphabet in the grand human history book. Maybe even a word or complete sentence if they are important enough. I will get a small dot at the end of a sentence, barely noticeable to any reader.

But the real kicker is the fact that, although I am certain I could probably force myself to have drive, I just do not have the will, the desire to do so. I do not see the point in it.

My work has all the resources to deal with depression. I could easily get paid time off and proper support (mental health and medication). Most people would jump on this occasion yet I do not. Talking to some mental health worker would not accomplish anything (as I have no traumatic experiences to speak of). Taking medical drugs might help but I would become dependent on them. Which does not seem like a solution but just a band-aid. So unless they have a miracle cure that gives drive/will to someone, then they cannot help. I know this because I had to deal with them once in the past. It masked the issue for some time but obviously, did not correct it. Not like I can talk to common people about this. I would just get the reply “How can you not love this world and all it has to offer?”.

I have come to the realization that life is futile (well the way I see it anyway). Whatever I will have when I die (relationships, financial, material, etc), I will lose it then. So what is the point of spending all that energy and time if the end result will be the same for all of us, depressed or not. There are people out there who, according to society standards, have everything to be happy. A good job, spouse, kids, lots of caring friends, house paid off, no debts, great neighborhood, a pleasant and bright future, etc. Yet they check out early. I guess they might have come to the same realization as I but have the will to actually carry it through.

I cannot answer your question why you are still here. I can only speak for myself. Truthfully (or at least I believe I am truthful), I am here because a man and a woman created a baby and no external factor has caused my death, which is actually astounding in this world. A lot of people are dying of hunger, being murdered, accidents, old age, etc. I am not here because of a will to live and experience new things. I am here because of basic creation and existence. And I simply wait. Just like you, checking out would cause trauma to a lot of people. First responders, colleagues, friends (the 3 real friends I have), and family would have to pick-up whatever I leave behind. I do not wish harm to anyone and will continue to act in this regard as long as I live. So I am stuck between two paths. Both paths suck, both lead to the same destination (although one is faster than the other), and both have unwanted and hurtful consequences for those left behind.

Just felt the need to let you know that you are not alone in this. Maybe that will at least bring you some comfort.

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