Earlier on I was able to write about my frustration in my dopamine/manic state, and I read back on those and realize it’s just the other side of the same coin. Once I realized it was a dopamine overload, I started trying to cut down my nicotine and caffeine intake, and to eat more regularly. The point is that when they pulled me down in the hospital they went way overboard with anti psychotics, starving myself of dopamine is just as effective to restoring a more level view.
Things are fine, I don’t know why I can’t accept that. Today I woke up more with the state of mind; “Yes, it sucks, but what are the other options?” I certainly say this often enough to other hopeless people. The fact is that hope is a wonderful lie that we get to buy into for awhile. Yet, sure as all bills come due, we must come to terms with that it isn’t getting better.
We just pull people out of the ditch to get them participating again. We don’t care about the quality of that participation. We don’t provide input on what type of participation might be good. It’s just an imperative “Participate.” That’s what we’re all rebelling against. Then again, I’ve most certainly arrived. I’m not prominent, I’m barely observed, and my job is as simple as I’ve ever heard of. I could be dead for as much difference as I think I make, but they pay me for it, pretty decent medical too. The hours aren’t great, but realistically I’ve yet to find a job with good hours.
I trained in masonry a long time ago, and abandoned it because I realized there wasn’t much call for artistic masonry. There’s a huge need for people to set up corners (journeymen), and build uniform walls (linemen), but making cool fireplaces? Doing literal irreplaceable art on the side of buildings? That’s just the sort of things people used to do in the past. See, I imagine that somewhere in the past they decided to get rid of the concept of romance and beauty. It was probably at some point in the Reagan administration; “You know what is expensive? Quality. Let’s do away with that. Fuck that. Let’s make everything pointless.” And boy over the next twenty years we really ran with that.
Then along comes my generation, wanting things to have purpose or a point. Man, did we miss the boat about what this whole world is about now. It’s about stuff. It’s about money. It’s about seeing how many people you can get away with sleeping with while having a committed relationship to just one. So, being immune to all those forces is a pretty awesome reward, given that context. I…. just wanted more.
I kind of picture my end as being in this state, the calm one where I am able to level and consider that nothing matters, and that’s the way it was, and that’s the way it is going to be. Then I calmly set up my exit, woosh, gone, no more of this philosopher in a land without philosophy. One day. Not today, but eventually. Dying of natural causes would be a real treat, you know? Because EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted I had to get for myself. There’s no path to any of the things I want right now, or I should say none that is better than the current piss poor excuse for a life I’m living.
Whatever, I’ll get good at lying to myself one of these days. This is the second time (tomorrow) that I’ll be going into a therapist saying; “Teach me to better lie to myself.” It seems like this should be something they are trained better on. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to be a therapist, because I have never been taught a fool proof way to lie to self. I’m the fool, who keeps noodling out of the nice little nest of safe lies and ends up asking inconvenient questions.