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The other side

by heartlessviking

Earlier on I was able to write about my frustration in my dopamine/manic state, and I read back on those and realize it’s just the other side of the same coin. Once I realized it was a dopamine overload, I started trying to cut down my nicotine and caffeine intake, and to eat more regularly. The point is that when they pulled me down in the hospital they went way overboard with anti psychotics, starving myself of dopamine is just as effective to restoring a more level view.

Things are fine, I don’t know why I can’t accept that. Today I woke up more with the state of mind; “Yes, it sucks, but what are the other options?” I certainly say this often enough to other hopeless people. The fact is that hope is a wonderful lie that we get to buy into for awhile. Yet, sure as all bills come due, we must come to terms with that it isn’t getting better.

We just pull people out of the ditch to get them participating again. We don’t care about the quality of that participation. We don’t provide input on what type of participation might be good. It’s just an imperative “Participate.” That’s what we’re all rebelling against. Then again, I’ve most certainly arrived. I’m not prominent, I’m barely observed, and my job is as simple as I’ve ever heard of. I could be dead for as much difference as I think I make, but they pay me for it, pretty decent medical too. The hours aren’t great, but realistically I’ve yet to find a job with good hours.

I trained in masonry a long time ago, and abandoned it because I realized there wasn’t much call for artistic masonry. There’s a huge need for people to set up corners (journeymen), and build uniform walls (linemen), but making cool fireplaces? Doing literal irreplaceable art on the side of buildings? That’s just the sort of things people used to do in the past. See, I imagine that somewhere in the past they decided to get rid of the concept of romance and beauty. It was probably at some point in the Reagan administration; “You know what is expensive? Quality. Let’s do away with that. Fuck that. Let’s make everything pointless.” And boy over the next twenty years we really ran with that.

Then along comes my generation, wanting things to have purpose or a point. Man, did we miss the boat about what this whole world is about now. It’s about stuff. It’s about money. It’s about seeing how many people you can get away with sleeping with while having a committed relationship to just one. So, being immune to all those forces is a pretty awesome reward, given that context. I…. just wanted more.

I kind of picture my end as being in this state, the calm one where I am able to level and consider that nothing matters, and that’s the way it was, and that’s the way it is going to be. Then I calmly set up my exit, woosh, gone, no more of this philosopher in a land without philosophy. One day. Not today, but eventually. Dying of natural causes would be a real treat, you know? Because EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted I had to get for myself. There’s no path to any of the things I want right now, or I should say none that is better than the current piss poor excuse for a life I’m living.

Whatever, I’ll get good at lying to myself one of these days. This is the second time (tomorrow) that I’ll be going into a therapist saying; “Teach me to better lie to myself.” It seems like this should be something they are trained better on. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to be a therapist, because I have never been taught a fool proof way to lie to self. I’m the fool, who keeps noodling out of the nice little nest of safe lies and ends up asking inconvenient questions.

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Once 12/4/2020 - 1:05 am

“Dying of natural causes would be a real treat, you know?”

I don’t know. My dad did, and he made one hell of a mess on the way out. I’d rather be hit by a semi rounding a curve at high speed.

theo 12/4/2020 - 7:00 am

I’m sorry you’re hurting. Mania brings happiness for a while, it’s just a loop… My best friend had it. It was a rollercoaster for him, reaching realizations that in his heart he wanted so badly, where these things that he wanted would dwindle into sadness, and he’d lie in bed and just cry. He had a wig that he’d sport, or high heel boots, his energy was wonderful until it started to faulter. I was there either way.

What in your heart do you want that takes you through these rollercoasters? If I’m not sounding stupid…Lol

heartlessviking 12/5/2020 - 9:23 pm

Ah, freedom, control over my own destiny, or in more solid terms; enough resources that I could allow myself to be devoted to my passions, and not the passions of others. I have this thing about thirsting for a large stretch of land, I don’t know entirely why, but it is a hunger that eats at me.

Then, every now and then, I get this thirst for recognition. This is a hunger I fight with much more, for fame is a great enemy, an undermining of all that I believe in. I get hungry to take the stage, to speak and be listened to with intent concentration…. ah dreams they are fleeting.

I really want to be able to have children. It’s been a dominant force my whole life, and even now I see many people who didn’t intend to have children yet they have them, how I envy them. There are some things one can’t accidentally stumble into.

At my most power hungry, my highest megalomania; to remake culture and society as I see fit, removing forces which offend me, and boosting those that achieve ends I approve of. This firmly will not be, I have denied myself even attempting to chase it. If it comes to me, it will be others that ask.

Desire is all that keeps me alive some days. Then I suspect that I may have all that I may ever gain, and despair; that so many would long for it, yet, it isn’t enough. If it was enough, I could stop. It feels as though I dream of spaceships and alien lifeforms, as fantastic and far from my every day life what I desire now is. The sad thing; it has been the same desire for a decade. I have only gotten better at pretending to be fulfilled.

theo 12/4/2020 - 7:03 am

but no matter how he felt, he was still the same remarkable person with remarkable talent… I know it’s the same for you. I just do,

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