I have a few things that seem to be constantly in my path. It isn’t like a person, more of an energy, if you believe in such nonsense. It’s kind of the concept of/person of God. It’s like in that movie “Harvey”, the guy has this invisible white rabbit following him around, with non-specific abilities and a non-specific supernatural origin. That’s what it is like for this 32 year old Christian, 26 years into the practice. I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to call myself that, because there is no church or faith body in the world that feels like home, at least that I’ve found. The point is; I’m not at all certain if it is only in my head or not. There are times I think it is just a bit of an illusion brought on by my religious upbringing, religious surroundings, and trauma/stress. Then there are times I wonder if it is a real thing. I’ve been trying to act like it doesn’t make a difference which it is, but it makes a difference.
The reason it makes a difference is that either I have this; “Vision from God”, or I have a persistent manic delusion. Not going to be specific, because the one constant about suspected delusions is shame….. the point is I’ve been bargaining/praying/trying to free myself of it for nine and a half years. I don’t see that I’m any closer to it happening, and while it remains possible (painfully so), it also remains out of reach.
Bit of lyrics that accurately describe my feelings about the whole thing;
“I’ve got a friend that lives with me,
My friend’s name is Nobody.
Nobody plays with me, Nobody loves me.
I’ve got a friend that you can’t see.
My friend’s name is Nobody.
Nobody listens, Nobody cares.”
Then nearer the end of the song;
“Nobody sure gets me in trouble.
For Nobody, I take a lot of blame.
But if Nobody’s gonna be my friend,
I sure wish he’d get another name.”
it occurs to me that there is actually a very clear reason I rarely talk about specifics; If it happens as an outcome of me asking for it, in what way would it be supernatural? I have this whole irritant about people crediting God when there are other potential causes; If you are praying to God for a job, and at the same time putting out applications, who is to say which is the source of your eventual success? The same goes for relationships, or sobriety.
2 comments
I’d wager a guess your religious background/upbringing has a lot to do with your doubt as to the source of this phenomenon. As for the force itself, when you figure it out, let the rest of us know…we’re all wondering. I’ve experienced things in my life that have left me dubious as to their source…mostly times of great confusion in which I “followed my gut”, with very pleasant results. So are the secrets of the universe locked away inside my colon? Maybe I need that colonoscopy then. I think we all sense this energy in unique ways, and fail to understand how to deal with it.
There is a “something” that influences our lives. That’s my opinion. A force, energy, whatever…over the millenia, we’ve written many stories about it and called them religion, all in an attempt to explain it. I’m leaning towards agnosticism after Catholicism and Christianity left me with too many questions. But we’re talking about you and your curious energy. You say it does make a difference even as you downplay that fact. Perhaps acknowledging that, cultivating a means of recognizing this energy and testing it out, as opposed to trying to divine it’s authenticity, is more productive…some things can’t be explained, much less understood. When my colon speaks loudly enough to me, I take its words under serious advisement. It’s pretty reliable.
“If it happens as an outcome of me asking for it, in what way would it be supernatural?”
Somebody named Goethe (??) wrote something that influenced me several years ago. You’ll have to look it up, but basically it says that when you take action on a plan, things just start happening to guide you. The Bible says “ask, and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened.” Whatever. Two different ways of acknowledging that there is an energy available to us that can help us, if we choose to avail ourselves of it. Is it supernatural? I suppose, maybe…but I’m an idiot.
Ah, another rabbit hole. Sadly, my research skills failed to track down the particular writing. The point is; I’ve asked and asked, screamed myself hoarse, so whatever that thing is, there are things that it will not do, no matter how much we plead. More on this in today’s post because I keep trying to drift over there, when there are too many other threads for me to get them all down here without being excessively scatterbrained.