eds everywhere

literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they havent eaten in 3 days oh they lost x kgs oh they Hate their appearance but they are now not eating so yayy!!!! and im like noo u should eat dont do that and in my head i keep tearing myself apart for not being in control enough.
the thing is its not just oh i want to look pretty.,its more like i cant bear the idea that my body exists. that i do exist and i take up place and it just ends me i want to rip my limbs apart Every Second Of Every Day. i have bruises from all the pinching of the skin along the cuts and i ripped a few clothes apart. ill never be okey because i want to disappear not just be thin. and now i not only have to hide my struggle but also help other people with it and be supportive and caring. but its also a competition.. i cant lose.
so i made up the puzzle of how to go on about it. my birthday is in two months. im gonna lose the 10 kg to reach 13 bmi again and then i can die cuz i cant die fat too.. literally the only thing stopping me. then i get to celebrate and say my lowkey goodbyes.
cant wait to be a goner.