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eds everywhere

by lostcase

literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they havent eaten in 3 days oh they lost x kgs oh they Hate their appearance but they are now not eating so yayy!!!! and im like noo u should eat dont do that and in my head i keep tearing myself apart for not being in control enough.
the thing is its not just oh i want to look pretty.,its more like i cant bear the idea that my body exists. that i do exist and i take up place and it just ends me i want to rip my limbs apart Every Second Of Every Day. i have bruises from all the pinching of the skin along the cuts and i ripped a few clothes apart. ill never be okey because i want to disappear not just be thin. and now i not only have to hide my struggle but also help other people with it and be supportive and caring. but its also a competition.. i cant lose.
so i made up the puzzle of how to go on about it. my birthday is in two months. im gonna lose the 10 kg to reach 13 bmi again and then i can die cuz i cant die fat too.. literally the only thing stopping me. then i get to celebrate and say my lowkey goodbyes.
cant wait to be a goner.

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4 comments

nobody else 1/7/2021 - 5:17 pm

YES exactly. I hate when everyone assumes all eating disorders are about trying to look “pretty”. No, for a lot of us it’s about vanishing. Literally shrinking, becoming smaller, because if you used to weigh 140 lbs and now you weigh 70 lbs then that means half of you is gone. And every lb you lose is another lb closer to death.

lostcase 1/8/2021 - 12:17 pm

exactly exactly how i feel.. its like being hyper aware of my existence and it fucking sucks

fxd45tsp 1/10/2021 - 4:45 pm

When I was younger (40 or so), I used to eat then “empty” my stomach in the toilet bowl (so that I would not gain the extra pounds). Well, I am now 45 with very damaged teeth. Stomach acid = not good for teeth. Just a quick note to save on dental care.

lostcase 1/11/2021 - 2:43 pm

im sorry that happened ig it just feels good to not be full.. i used to purge way more than i do now even tho it’s very tempting to tbh. but as you said dental care can be expensive and it’s better safe than sorry ig. take care!

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