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I can’t escape myself

by alina_01

I feel like I’m insane like I can’t get a grip. I am trying so hard to keep it together every day and not lose it completely. I have internal battles, I can’t make decisions because I can’t trust that I am in the right head space and I second guess every decision I make. I exhaust myself, the smallest of things have set me off into a rage and I can’t control it. I cry to myself daily and the tears never stop. I have dark thoughts about offing myself constantly and I have to fight that away and it gets harder to do each day. I started cutting last year and I don’t even get relief from it anymore. I used to be able to drink and feel calm but the past 2 years it wasn’t enough so I started getting high in combination with drinking. Then and only then did I feel some relief inside. I look back at my first suicide attempts and I laugh because the shit I was going through then was minuscule in comparison to these past years. I want to die now but I can’t and that really sucks. I have people I’m responsible for so I can’t just off myself. I can’t be totally selfish, not now. That kills me to know that I’m stuck suffering. I am afraid of failing and ending up worse off surviving my suicide attempt. Because I’ve survived them in the past and come back was so painful. I’m afraid that if I try to shoot myself I’ll end up living and be disabled. OD will be difficult since I have built a tolerance to several medications trying to OD in the past. I don’t want a violent death, why should my death be painful? I don’t want my last moments to be me suffering in more pain. I want pease, I want to drift away and not know anything, just cease to be in the most serene ways. My life insurance won’t cover a suicide until about 2 years or so into the policy. I am trying to pay off my debts so that when I die my affairs are in order.

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Christina_the_Cat 1/10/2021 - 4:20 pm

Hi there, I’m feeling your pain. I cried. :((
Please know that you are loved. No, you’re not insane. What you are going through is normal. We all struggle, have internal battles, second-guess ourselves, etc. Yes, even those who appear as successful and confident.
Life is suffering and there’s no point to escaping this reality. Cutting yourself, drinking and getting high are nothing but distractions. They’re not gonna solve your problems and the relief is only short-term. The first step to freedom is to accept that your pain is there and there’s no quick solution to erase it.
Then, you must seek meaning in your sufferings. Any attempt to explain life provides a much too easy answer, but not even trying makes it too hard to bear: you become nihilistic and depressed. Back in November, I was in a state of acedia, where I was sick and tired of it all. Family members were in deep pain, my relationships weren’t obvious and things weren’t going my way at all. But then I found love and went deep with my soulmate.
I believe only those who have known the darkness can live in the light. I was in a cocoon, but now I’m flying like a butterfly. I hope you will find peace, the peace that comes when you accept reality and cease to worry.
Dear Alina, once again, please know that you are loved. I’m sending you love from Canada. Btw, are you Romanian?

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