I feel like I’m insane like I can’t get a grip. I am trying so hard to keep it together every day and not lose it completely. I have internal battles, I can’t make decisions because I can’t trust that I am in the right head space and I second guess every decision I make. I exhaust myself, the smallest of things have set me off into a rage and I can’t control it. I cry to myself daily and the tears never stop. I have dark thoughts about offing myself constantly and I have to fight that away and it gets harder to do each day. I started cutting last year and I don’t even get relief from it anymore. I used to be able to drink and feel calm but the past 2 years it wasn’t enough so I started getting high in combination with drinking. Then and only then did I feel some relief inside. I look back at my first suicide attempts and I laugh because the shit I was going through then was minuscule in comparison to these past years. I want to die now but I can’t and that really sucks. I have people I’m responsible for so I can’t just off myself. I can’t be totally selfish, not now. That kills me to know that I’m stuck suffering. I am afraid of failing and ending up worse off surviving my suicide attempt. Because I’ve survived them in the past and come back was so painful. I’m afraid that if I try to shoot myself I’ll end up living and be disabled. OD will be difficult since I have built a tolerance to several medications trying to OD in the past. I don’t want a violent death, why should my death be painful? I don’t want my last moments to be me suffering in more pain. I want pease, I want to drift away and not know anything, just cease to be in the most serene ways. My life insurance won’t cover a suicide until about 2 years or so into the policy. I am trying to pay off my debts so that when I die my affairs are in order.