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im out now what

by corvidaecorpse

when I was 6 and I wanted to die I told myself that if we could just make a little longer we would find a forever family and not be stuck in that forsaken group home anymore.

when I was 9 and I wanted to die I told myself that the little ones needed me to protect them, so I had to make it a little longer. until they knew how to protect themselves.

when I was 11 and I wanted to die I knew it meant my younger sibling would become the new scapegoat so I had to make it a little longer.

when I was 12 and I wanted to die my first friend made kandi for my wrist and told me that we could only die if we did it together. I had to make it a little longer, because I didn’t have the heart to watch her bleed out beside me.

when I was 14 and I wanted to die a woman found me on her morning walk and called the police. my adoptive parents made sure I knew better than to pull a stunt like that again. my sibling started talking to me again, when no one could catch us. I had forgot my purpose- to protect them.

when I was 14 and I wanted to die I had to hold out for my siblings.

when I was 15 and I wanted to die I had to wait a little longer, until we made out of that place. everything would be better when we got out. as an adult I’d be free

when I was 16 and I wanted to die I had to wait a little longer, until I was an adult and could be free

when I was 17 and I wanted to die I only had a year left, I could make it to freedom.

when I was 18 I moved out and my adoptive parents made sure I knew what the consequences would be. my younger sibling made it three months without me before their first attempt.

when I was 18 and I wanted to die I knew I had to keep going a little longer, keep working so I could send emergency money to my younger siblings, keep at school so I could provide better. I couldn’t keep up with school and I dropped out. I worked and I worked and my foster mom sabotaged me at every turn, fucking with my insurance, spreading lies and hate around the small town that I had to stay in to help my siblings.

One of the siblings is put of there- moved clear across the country. The other sibling is self sufficient enough now, far better than me in every way and with an escape plan and supports that do not involve me. The siblings do not need to be protected, and I am an adult.

I am 20 and I want to die, and there is nothing to wait for.

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2 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 1/24/2021 - 9:39 am

The irony for me was that when I finally had nothing preventing me anymore I didn’t want to die so much.
Your siblings may not need you in the same ways right now but they will need you again, that’s how it usually goes anyways.
I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this so long, it really shows your strength of character.

system 2/2/2021 - 11:29 pm

I know this is a rant, but it’s extremely poetic and beautifully written.

it’s time to find something to wait for.

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