I had a discouraging reminder in a discussion with a close relative that I’m getting older, I’ll be 50 within a couple of years. Luckily I still look young for my age but I’d rather be in my 20s or even 30s right now.
I suffered a great deal in terms of loneliness, working hard to get somewhere, dealing with personal issues, just scraping by in life rather than doing well as some of my friends have done and in the end it all amounted to a whole pile of nothing.
Currently I’m going through a health issue which should hopefully resolve on its own in a couple of weeks but if not then I’ll be suffering even more than usual. So that’s on top of the other BS I’m dealing with (like getting older).
My life always felt unfinished, like a work of art. I found myself constantly trying to fix things and so much of my time was occupied by wishful thinking. Imagining for instance the opportunities I’ve missed would somehow come back, even though they were always only a one-shot deal.
Often times throughout my life I thought of suicide because I’ve felt like such a huge failure. I accept most of the blame for the bad outcome due to my decisions, but the rest I largely blame my scumbag father for meddling in my life and putting me on the wrong path from the start.
But in the end I get stuck with that bill, paying for all those stupid mistakes that he made. I wish it was possible to go back in time and stop idiots like him from breeding.
Why give life to anyone if they never get to enjoy it? Why pass on misery and suffering and to let your kids see a possible world they can have but it’ll always be out of reach for them.
I realized life can be really great. There’s a lot I like about it….but if you don’t have a certain amount of money or a well-paying job, then your life isn’t going to be worth living, since you’ll be stuck in a crappy rental market and then when you can afford to buy a house, it gets too expensive…so once again you’re cheated out of a dream of home ownership for example. Sure people make due in other ways but that’s not for me.
Then the kicker is, after you’ve gone through hell, sorted your life out then you’re really too old to enjoy it and soon enough you’ll be kicking the bucket anyways.
It all just passed by so fast, my best years are mostly behind me. Fortunately I will be doing better in my career (modestly) soon and I have other irons in the fire so I might be ok, but then what does it matter if I can’t attract the sort of girl I want because I’d be ‘too old’ for her? Sure some girls like older guys but it’s still playing the odds. And I’m not attracted to girls near my age range.
The idea of euthanasia is scary but once those lights go out, it’s forever. So you’re only anxious for the first few seconds or mins but then after that, you’re done and this horrible existence is over.
It’s not to say my life was all bad, I did have some wonderful times, esp during my high school and university years. But it doesn’t make up for what I missed out on. I’m mostly staying alive for my elderly mother who lives with me-I could never abandon her and she has been a great person overall. Once she’s gone and if my life isn’t improving then I might ‘pull the plug’ as well.
It’s funny even if my life had been great so far and I loved every minute, I’d still have to face my finitude and the fact that I’m close to the end of the ride. I feel humans should live to at least 200 years….you’re spending the first 40-50 years to try to get settled, then you need the rest to enjoy life as you were meant to.
I now regret throwing some fish back into the sea, I used to think I’d keep finding more fish, but they do run out. At least if I had a LTR or married one of those great girls I knew, it would’ve given my life more meaning and purpose and I’ve have someone to grow older with.
Instead I’m stuck with family members who married and I’ve had to on rare occasions find myself outnumbered in arguments in which they were wrong. Anyways I’ve learned how to keep others in check but I was better off having a partner…another foolish mistake I made.
I guess I can vent and rage against life but time goes only in one direction and we all die sooner or later, so I’ll stick to my plan. I’m still looking to travel and find my s/o and try to make the best of the years I have left. If my health fails me then I’m opting for euthanasia. Given how terrible life can be I can’t believe euthanasia isn’t even more readily available. Dying should be made all the more easy and accessible since living can be so fkg hard and full of pain and suffering.
I saw a movie recently where there was a brief scene of elderly women begging for food in the streets of a poor country. It was truly heart wrenching because it is a reality for millions of people around the world. If that isn’t a case for universally available euthanasia, I don’t know what is. I guess that’s one thing I should feel lucky for living in a first world country-it’s easier to escape a terrible life here.