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Life is unfair and then it’s over

by Soda

I had a discouraging reminder in a discussion with a close relative that I’m getting older, I’ll be 50 within a couple of years. Luckily I still look young for my age but I’d rather be in my 20s or even 30s right now.

I suffered a great deal in terms of loneliness, working hard to get somewhere, dealing with personal issues, just scraping by in life rather than doing well as some of my friends have done and in the end it all amounted to a whole pile of nothing.

Currently I’m going through a health issue which should hopefully resolve on its own in a couple of weeks but if not then I’ll be suffering even more than usual. So that’s on top of the other BS I’m dealing with (like getting older).

My life always felt unfinished, like a work of art. I found myself constantly trying to fix things and so much of my time was occupied by wishful thinking. Imagining for instance the opportunities I’ve missed would somehow come back, even though they were always only a one-shot deal.

Often times throughout my life I thought of suicide because I’ve felt like such a huge failure. I accept most of the blame for the bad outcome due to my decisions, but the rest I largely blame my scumbag father for meddling in my life and putting me on the wrong path from the start.

But in the end I get stuck with that bill, paying for all those stupid mistakes that he made. I wish it was possible to go back in time and stop idiots like him from breeding.

Why give life to anyone if they never get to enjoy it? Why pass on misery and suffering and to let your kids see a possible world they can have but it’ll always be out of reach for them.

I realized life can be really great. There’s a lot I like about it….but if you don’t have a certain amount of money or a well-paying job, then your life isn’t going to be worth living, since you’ll be stuck in a crappy rental market and then when you can afford to buy a house, it gets too expensive…so once again you’re cheated out of a dream of home ownership for example. Sure people make due in other ways but that’s not for me.

Then the kicker is, after you’ve gone through hell, sorted your life out then you’re really too old to enjoy it and soon enough you’ll be kicking the bucket anyways.

It all just passed by so fast, my best years are mostly behind me. Fortunately I will be doing better in my career (modestly) soon and I have other irons in the fire so I might be ok, but then what does it matter if I can’t attract the sort of girl I want because I’d be ‘too old’ for her? Sure some girls like older guys but it’s still playing the odds. And I’m not attracted to girls near my age range.

The idea of euthanasia is scary but once those lights go out, it’s forever. So you’re only anxious for the first few seconds or mins but then after that, you’re done and this horrible existence is over.

It’s not to say my life was all bad, I did have some wonderful times, esp during my high school and university years. But it doesn’t make up for what I missed out on. I’m mostly staying alive for my elderly mother who lives with me-I could never abandon her and she has been a great person overall. Once she’s gone and if my life isn’t improving then I might ‘pull the plug’ as well.

It’s funny even if my life had been great so far and I loved every minute, I’d still have to face my finitude and the fact that I’m close to the end of the ride. I feel humans should live to at least 200 years….you’re spending the first 40-50 years to try to get settled, then you need the rest to enjoy life as you were meant to.

I now regret throwing some fish back into the sea, I used to think I’d keep finding more fish, but they do run out. At least if I had a LTR or married one of those great girls I knew, it would’ve given my life more meaning and purpose and I’ve have someone to grow older with.

Instead I’m stuck with family members who married and I’ve had to on rare occasions find myself outnumbered in arguments in which they were wrong. Anyways I’ve learned how to keep others in check but I was better off having a partner…another foolish mistake I made.

I guess I can vent and rage against life but time goes only in one direction and we all die sooner or later, so I’ll stick to my plan. I’m still looking to travel and find my s/o and try to make the best of the years I have left. If my health fails me then I’m opting for euthanasia. Given how terrible life can be I can’t believe euthanasia isn’t even more readily available. Dying should be made all the more easy and accessible since living can be so fkg hard and full of pain and suffering.

I saw a movie recently where there was a brief scene of elderly women begging for food in the streets of a poor country. It was truly heart wrenching because it is a reality for millions of people around the world. If that isn’t a case for universally available euthanasia, I don’t know what is. I guess that’s one thing I should feel lucky for living in a first world country-it’s easier to escape a terrible life here.

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8 comments

BIGRICH 1/27/2021 - 5:45 am

I find a common theme among people who are depressed and suicidal, they all had a horrible father in their life as is the case with me also, I’m always thinking about how great my life would’ve been if my father wasn’t in my life

Soda 1/27/2021 - 5:28 pm

Agreed man, bad fathers can be tyrants and through their own stupidity, end up wrecking your life.

I don’t mean to say it was all bad, sometimes he gave good advice and helped but he made some terrible decisions that messed things up for me.

The best thing to do is to try to get your education and get away from their influence and be on your own.

dataspy 1/27/2021 - 6:37 am

Men on average are more desirable as they age, looks don’t matter as much for men, women are attracted to men with resources like money and stability. Just hit the gym and have confidence in yourself, think of yourself as the prize and watch out for red flags in women, only let people in your life that are going to improve it, it doesn’t matter how hot she is, ask yourself is she’s a good person.

Soda 1/27/2021 - 5:49 pm

Good points, but I haven’t reached that level yet of having a lot of money, but I’m slowly getting there. I’d love to hit the gym but I recently experienced a serious sprain that has put me out of commission.

I’m hoping it doesn’t become a permanent injury and I really did want to start working out again-I used to be athletic when I was younger but had to deal with the realities of life which forced me to set aside working out. But I realized it was a big mistake and plan to make it a part of my routine once I’m well again.

Indeed looks isn’t everything, the ‘inner’ qualities matter a lot as well. The one thing I’m grateful to my parents for is having intelligence, it made learning fairly easy for me in school. It’s a quality I admire in others too. So if she’s educated that helps too since you have more in common and have a wealth of knowledge to share.

All we can do is learn from our past and try to do better with the time we have left.

fxd45tsp 1/27/2021 - 1:19 pm

Oh I am certain to make people angry with this post. But will do it anyway. You know, self-destruction and all…

Sure can relate. I just turned 45, still single (only had one woman in my entire life). And she left me with Herpes after 5 years of marriage. So this lowers my chance for a possible “next partner” to about 0. And I am far from a stud, to make certain I reach that 0. Hence pretty lonely. But (there is always a but)…

If you look at “successful couples”, are they really what you want to be? Sure, they might have kids, a house, dogs, cats, 5 cars, a career, etc. But if you look very closely, look at the details, are they really happy?

The reality is, true, successful relationships will be out of reach for most men. As dataspy said earlier, women are attracted to resources (money) and stability. Look at the homeless population. Most are men. Why? Because the homeless women will “offer their bodies” to willing men in exchange for a better life. Only what the men have is desired, not them. But this ends as the women get older and men do not want their bodies anymore.

Look at the couples around you (friends, colleagues) and ask yourself: What if the man lost his job? How would she act then? Be really really honest about it.

My mother told me that she married my father because he was tall, had “wide shoulders”, and was a good provider. Just let that sink in for a moment. She did not say because he was honest, and was a good person, first and foremost. Needless to say, they are now divorced. Illusions do get dispelled at some point. And by the way, my father was the epitome of what a real man should be. A level that I will never achieve even if I was to put all my energy in it. My superhero was my father.

I look at the few couples I know around me. And what I see is not happiness, just the illusion of one. The woman in one of the couple that my brother knows kept telling her husband to “go get me a drink” while at a restaurant. And the weak minded husband kept buying her drinks. You really think that is a relationship based on ethical values and respect? I hope the guy wakes up and tells her no. What will follow then will be the truth exposed…

One of my colleague told me he had met a woman. When I asked him about what was her job, he said she was on welfare. So I gave him a warning that she might see what he had and could provide, not what he actually was. Do not get me wrong. I was wishing him the best though. He did mentioned he was concerned about this too. Needless to say, he told me 2 months later the relationship had ended. And he told me I was right as she started asking him to pay for expenses such as restaurants, minor bills, etc. But what did surprise me is that she actually admitted she was looking to my colleague for his “financial status” so to speak. Not sure if it was simple honesty or pure arrogance.

You really have to watch for the money aspect. Poor men stay singles and rich men usually are not. Any guess as to why? Do you really want to get rich just to get a woman, knowing she just puts up with you for what you provide? Might as well be poor, single, but not live an illusion.

As for single mothers, are they looking for an actual companion only, or a father and provider? This question itself is a loaded gun. Ask that one surrounded by women and see what happens. Definitively a great subject for those yearly family reunions…

Another couple I know, the woman does nothing, stays home and watch TV. And expect the house to be clean as well. I mean, really?

Some more couples, just cannot talk about them too much. And the post would be even longer than it is now.

Most people at this point will consider me some kind of bigot, sexist bastard. I simply judge what I see, trying to not let my previous experience cloud my conclusions. Truth is reality, no matter if it goes against your opinion or not. Now yes, there are horrific men out there as well. No debate on that specific topic. But I think most men are looking for companionship first while women are looking for a provider first in relationships. And this difference is not the basis for a strong and durable foundation.

There are some real, nice women out there. If you meet a woman that has a successful career (or at least job) and has everything she needs (material) then she would be a very good prospect. Why? Because she would not be looking to you as a provider, but rather as a companion to share her company and time without any expectation whatsoever. She would want you, the person that you are, not what you have as she already has that covered. And that would truly be a worthy relationship. A relationship like this would probably survive any situations. Not like what most people have.

If people were truly honest right at the start of any relationship, what they actually want and expect, then most relationship would fail right on the spot. I know mine would have, because I would have terminated it then myself. I was honest but she was not. And I paid the price afterwards.

I wish you the best in finding that brilliant pearl. And you might find it or not. What the future holds is unknown. But remember that living a lie is not something you want either, just so you do not feel lonely. You can still be lonely even in a relationship…

And to be even more depressing (if you still have somehow escaped relatively unscathed from this post), know that even those “successful happy couples” lose everything when then die. Not like they can bring it with them (if there is anything beyond death).

Soda 1/28/2021 - 3:56 pm

I didn’t find anything unreasonable or sexist in what you said, I think it’s pretty valid. And you’re right both men and women can bring in a lot of hidden baggage into the relationship.

Well I’m the sort of guy who’d rather stay single if I don’t find someone compatible or if her qualities turn me off in some way. Yes finding a woman who’s also gainfully employed is a good move since that sort of person is driven and has other good qualities.

In my case, I’d rather stay single than to end up with someone who doesn’t make me happy. In fact that’s partly why I’m in this situation in the first place, perhaps I was too picky at times but also too hesitant at other times.

It helps to make oneself a good catch as well to attract the sort of person that you want.

niki 1/28/2021 - 6:24 am

I will be 40 next year, and I can relate with almost everything you’ve said, but at least you’re still somewhat positive/optimistic, while here I am basically already feeling that my life is over & completely hopeless. I am severely depressed, and have suicidal ideation everyday now.

I agree, that life is unfair (life is not fair). And what makes me very angry & emotional is people (human beings) most of them are shitty, disappointing, and even downright disgusting. If you’re like me, you will probably get to the point where you’d say: “fuck everyone & everything! fuck all this shit!” (sorry for the harsh words), and in the end you’re going to be left alone, just like me (or perhaps, it’s me, I myself, who have subconsciously decided that maybe it’s better to be alone, & die alone).

It’s a cruel world (the world is cruel).
Reality is boring, limiting, stupid, & depressing.

– from Indonesia –

Soda 1/28/2021 - 4:14 pm

I’ve been in your situation a number of times in my life, with the same issues like depression and so forth. I believe we get depressed because in that moment we truly understand our place in the world and where we fit in. Which is also why we contemplate suicide.

The first time I became depressed was in my early teens when we become more conscientious about our looks, status, income, etc. I realized I was low on the pecking order, at least in my own assessment and it was really hard to overcome.

But that state of mind made me insecure and that lead to other problems. I realized I needed to buck up and live my life if I wasn’t going to end it. So I decided to accept my lot, changed my outlook and focused on my education.

You’re right, many people are crappy out there, but you try to find good people and keep them in your life. As for dating/marriage, there are others in a similar situation, so you just have to find someone that meets your criteria.

Of course people are drawn to those that make them happy and bring things to the table, like a good income, a sense of humor, education, etc.

There were times esp when I was younger, I felt desperately alone, wishing I had someone in my life. But actually it was during those times I realized I’m single for a reason and worked on making myself a better person. Once I improved myself, girls were attracted to me.

You’re right the world is cruel and if you want anything of value, you have to fight for it. But also count your blessings. If you’re in a situation where you have the luxury of using the internet, there are millions of people who are much worse off than us. So it’s just about using the tools/gifts you have to get what you want out of life.

As I’ve said before here, death is always available if one really wants it. So I chose to keep living as long as I can to see what more I can get out of life. I feel there are many things I’d still like to do before I die. But if my life really goes to hell then I will find a means to end it.

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