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How abusive parents ruin lives…

by Wisp

Not suicide related

First of all, leaving abusive parents does require quite a bit of money. It may also involve staying with a friend or relative (if you have such), couchsurfing, living with roommates. You indeed can’t just ‘get up and leave abusive’ parents, it never works that way, even if money is involved. The only real hope is having enough income (even if welfare…), and preferably a support place, like a hotline, or a place that may help abused, although, I think most of these places are only for domestic violence. Not sure…
The longer you live with abusive parents, the harder it gets to leave them. Even if you have enough money to leave, you just feel like you ‘can’t’ leave. You are trapped.
It may be a hassle, it may be annoying, it may be tedious, you might have to leave alot of stuff behind, you’ll probably have to start all over again…
Yeah, that all really sucks. But what sucks even more is living with an abusive parent for potentially even more years!
Abuse comes in many forms.

I shouldn’t copy and paste, but I’m lazy…
“Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response. It occurs when hostages or abuse victims bond with their captors or abusers. This psychological connection develops over the course of the days, weeks, months, or even years of captivity or abuse”

In some cases the abused may not realize they are being abused. They may also know that they are being abused, but their parent(s) will throw nice things into the mix as well, so they’ll come to the conclusion that their parent(s) ‘aren’t all that bad’. Many abusers like to play yo yo with others’ feelings, and make them feel like they are walking on eggshells.

I left my abusive father a couple of years ago, with my mum (well she was being abused too, and didn’t know how to leave, so I helped her with that…) although we had the means to do that. I had probably been through around 18 years of mostly psychological abuse. Yes it still affects me, even now…
Good that we left when we did! 😛

I know (I should say acquaintance for 2 of them) of 3 people in their mid thirties who appear to live with abusive parents. The abuse has most likely gone on for years and years and possibly become worse over that time. One which I saw the emotional abuse with my own eyes, and that was only over a short period, I wouldn’t want to imagine the abuse he usually endures! Even thinks like little ‘snarky’ remarks e.g. “You’ll never be any good at that” is abuse. Constantly talking to someone in a rude and snappy way is abuse. Belittling someone is abuse. This isn’t going to get any better. All three need to attempt to leave their parents. Sometimes it’s not even a money thing, sometimes people feel so emotionally trapped that they can’t leave.

In the end, it has to be up to the abused person to realize that they are being abused, and not ‘change their mind’ when their parent does something ‘nice’ to make everything look ‘ok’. I do think it may be possible to get to the point where… the abused person has been abused for so long that they will continue to defend their parents abuse over and over again, even if you… let’s say, you show them a website with examples of abuse and ask them to consider if any of those things have happened to them.

The three people that I mentioned may be experiencing stockholm syndrome. It’s possible that they may have endured 20+ years of emotional abuse. (18 years was more than bad enough, I can’t imagine it going on for longer…) I should note that one of these people didn’t live with his parents for a couple of years, he lived with a friend he had at the time, but he ended up moving back in, and I figure that’s when the abuse started back up. And two of them probably have the means to move out, so yeah that’s why I made the point that even enough money may not make the abused leave their abusers.

You can look up ‘signs of an abusive parent’. Don’t get me wrong, abusive parents ruin people of all ages, from young children to adults. This post is indeed more focused on adults though. Leaving an abusive parent is extremely difficult. Yeah I’ll just mention it again… There’s lots of other things to consider as well here. Maybe your parents will try to prevent you from leaving (what me and mum did was leave when dad was sleeping).
Maybe your parents will try and get in touch with you and/or try to find where you went if you leave. There’s much more info online about abusive parents. I’ve only glossed over the surface!

I figure that not everyone can actually leave their abusive parents, there could always be reasons out of your control (not being able to get money to leave, no support in area, nowhere to go).
I don’t know why I wrote this really. Abusive parents are terrible, what can I say… and nobody deserves to be emotionally trapped by such. So yeah, maybe my pointless post may help someone.

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blue_dude15 2/27/2021 - 8:30 pm

I currently live with abusive parents, but unfortunately I`m not 18 yet so I`m pretty much stuck for now. I`m aiming to get a job sometime this year so I can start saving up to move away. It really sucks, and your post is pretty accurate. I`m glad you managed to get away from your dad though!

Mf 2/28/2021 - 12:23 am

Yup, abusive parents can really screw you up on the long run. Self worth issues, problems with future relationships… you name it. I dread to think what would have become of my life (which isn’t great by any means psychologically speaking) if i didn’t ditch my parents before being a teenager, because as it stands i left early and still got a bit messed in the head (might have to do with controlling grandparents but that’s another issue, lol). All that damage can be undone, but it sure takes time and leaves a big scar that might not ever go away.

Mf 2/28/2021 - 12:25 am

Kinda replying to myself but i forgot to mention, but stockholm syndrome is REALLY hard to shake, specially with manipulative parents. Some kids end up sticking around because their parents make them feel they can’t function if they leave… which is all kinds of screwed up if you really think about it.

a1957 2/28/2021 - 5:37 pm

Good research and observations. Your post fits a lot of us here. Me included.

Stockholm syndrome helps explain quite a few stay with the abuser situations I have seen.

Jack 2/28/2021 - 5:48 pm

People can be abusive even without them really wanting it or realizing it.

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