It’s a great big knot of things I can’t figure out how to express but fuck it idc. The most important and meaningful relationship I have ever had with anything in this life were with things that came out of bottles. They were there for me through the pain, they were there through the attacks, the threats and gaslighting and crap, through the bruises and snide it’s my fault comments, they helped me through nights of nightmares and shakes. And they were actually with me, not some far off illusion I had to fake and put on a ceramic lie on my ugly face for till I fucking broke more. It is all my fault, for being a gullible retard trying to trust and for feeling anything for anyone. Fuck human relationships and connections of any kind. Just felt like saying that online for whatever reason.
I hope all of you fucking got yourselves off to whatever the hell it is you all were getting out of all of this. Fuckign memories go away. Stop eating me fucking alive all god damned day every god damned day. I don’t want to be constantly going over it all. I don’t want the never ending feelings of inadequacy and fucking feeling like disgusting fucked unwanted trash that doesn’t belong anywhere. Don’t need the minute by minute fucking reminders of it all. I don’t fucking need these feelings and memories. I don’t fucking need them. Fuck off already.