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Now what

by alina_01

It’s over now and it seems like a nightmare I lost myself the first time and now I am losing hope. I have no interest in dating anymore.. I give up on the dream this time for good, I am tired of starting over and trying to do everything right and still having the same result. I spent 6 years working on loving myself and seeing myself as an amazing person who is worthy. And here I am newly single feeling crazy like I invented that I deserved love and was worthy. If these men who claimed to love me and care for me don’t think I’m worthy how can I possibly claim I am?! They weren’t good men for me and yet they become these great men for someone else. I didn’t need this, I had enough pain in my life.  I am so fragile right now and this break up is stupid but I’m broken and it’s crushing me. I have been reliving a trauma EVERY day for 2 years! When I try to talk about my trauma it scares people away. When I ask for help no one seems to hear me. When I cry it’s like I’m not seen or my tears and pain mean nothing. I don’t even have myself right now because I have given up. I have no friends anymore and I have no one in my life to talk to so I wanted to seek a therapist.  But their hours of operation are the hours I work. So I live my life in anguish, lost and helpless hoping that I can just die already.


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Jhecev 2/27/2021 - 12:09 pm

You remind me of myself.

alina_01 2/27/2021 - 8:16 pm

I met neither of the men I dated at bars. The first we went to school together and we were best friends for 6 years before dating for 4 years and engaged for 2 years. The second has lasted 2 years. None have been short term nor the type of men you speak about. And to clarify I have gone for the “best guy” friend the nerdy one that isn’t very popular. AND he was a NARCISSISTIC and abusive asshole. So there is no “safe” choice. There is no ideal place to meet good guys. At this point I have realized that all people are selfish and I am no longer equipped to waste years of my life and let it hurt me ultimately.

I have searched for ones in network with my insurance and they do not offer weekend options. I don’t have the finances to pay completely out of pocket for the ones I’ve seen advertised that do online only but it is yet another complication I don’t need to deal with.

I have tried making new friends I have created a profile talked to some nice people but nothing comes of it and with covid meeting up is not much of an option. I have joined all kinds of groups in my local area based on likes and hobbies etc. IT has failed.

It’s so much worse to try and still fail than it would be to not try at all and fail.

chinadoll4 2/27/2021 - 9:47 pm

I’m so sorry you had to read that. That guy sounds like that steryotypical “nice guy” who just ends up feeling sorry for himself.

“At least guys want to date you” “Try being me” ?? That’s clearly not the issue here.

I’ve tried finding a therapist and had not luck for insurance/timing reasons, too, and it’s seriously a *****. It’s been a while and nothing’s worked out so far, but I hope you do end up finding something that works out.

Certain people in your life might not see your tears, and technically, we might not either, but the people here are listening. Even if they don’t have you, the people on this site will always welcome you and feel for you and have shitty times with you.

I hope you don’t die. I hope some super awesome or even some super mediocre guy comes into your life and cares about you, and that they keep caring about you and you keep caring about them so much that you decide to make a life together and care about each other until you grow old.


alina_01 2/28/2021 - 11:19 am

Thank you so much!! Your words have truly helped! At this point maybe we should just be each others therapist lol

Soda 2/28/2021 - 12:27 am


Fair point, even guys you’ve known long term or nerdy types can still turn out to be azzholes. But I think that could be said about people in general. There’s really no such thing as perfection or total compatibility.

Conflicts eventually arise and then you get to know the true character of people. If I decided to cut people off in my life over major disagreements, I’d probably be alone today.

I think that’s one reason the divorce rate is so high. Men/women have different needs/goals, sometimes they cheat because they’re bored/unhappy. So ya if you ‘get in the game’ then at times you win or also lose.

Sure if you’re giving up on the whole dating thing I don’t blame you. I’ve had my share of disappointments in relationships as well but I remain hopeful I’ll find someone decent eventually.

As for therapists, I understand the difficult situation that you’re in. Actually when I was in high school I saw one for 10 sessions that I paid for. I realized it didn’t really do anything for me.

While it helped to have someone listen to my problems, she didn’t offer me any advice that I didn’t already know. So you’re probably not missing out on much.

Regarding making friends, I have some long term friendships but I was looking to expand my circle. I found however that once people become adults, few are truly interested in making new friends-they’re happy with the group they have. Usually I tried to hang out with some people from work. I did have some success, but it was limited.

I know the feeling though and I think that’s what happens to those of us who try to reach out. It does suck getting rejected. Then that experience sours future potential opportunities.

Unfortunately a lot of what you said about people is pretty true. We live in a capitalist society where people are selfish and then judge others by their material possessions and status in life (most are social climbers). It becomes that much more challenging to build genuine healthy relationships to find other decent quality people.

If anything you’ll find some people here can be pretty supportive and sympathetic since they’ve also gone through their own share of hardships. So you’re never truly alone.

Mf 2/28/2021 - 12:33 am

For some, it takes a ton of time to build themselves up after a breakup, but from your post i guess you know that already. Never say never, but it is good to take a good breather after a long relationship, otherwise you can end up on an even worst relationship (been there, done that, hoping to never do it again). You might date someone again or not, but don’t let that define your worth, guys might have been awful, you might have been incompatible, who knows? plenty of reasons could be valid.

I do have to point out: i hate that about relationships, for some people it’s like a switch turns off at some point and they go from “love you can leave without you” to “you don’t exist”. Took me a long time to realize it, but that kind of 180° turn has a lot more to do with what love is to them, than with who you are and your worth.

alina_01 2/28/2021 - 11:46 am

Actually it felt like you were being critical of me and in a sense blaming me for my suffering. You made assumptions about the type of men I date, where I may meet them. My post is not about my failed relationships. It’s about giving up on trying, being defeated by life. I get that we give our opinions but it also seemed like you were telling me that my dating life wasn’t as bad as it was for you. I felt like you were implying my suffering was not “that bad” or that it was “my fault” and that i should “try harder”. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way, but that is how it came off to me and how it made me feel.

a1957 2/28/2021 - 5:18 pm

Oh man I have felt this too. So painful. I hope you can find a compatible therapist working outside of 9 to 5 M-F. I hope this helps:

During a particularly nasty divorce I was in pain as never ever before. Begging myself to kill myself. Making death plans I somehow could not go through with. One of the ways I kept my mind off the pain for awhile at a time was reading books about dating and marriage. What I found was I was an iffy mate, at best, and, so was she. I found that I was doing all kinds of things to attract and keep her but had not put near enough thought into what she needed to be and be doing and what still needed considerable mending inside me.

I took a couple of years to study me and what a compatible mate would behave like. The resulting relationship was a keeper but me, I still needed a ton of help. First I came here, then shortly thereafter, found a compatible therapist who would take me just past regular hours.

I hope this helps even a little.

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