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regret

by emioop

i had talent. people would compliment me on it all the time. i don’t know why i didn’t pursue it. I was afraid of of failure. Now i am a failure, at a job i absolutely hate, hardly have any money. I try to imagine that i would have failed either way, but i wish i had just tried. But i didn’t and now im stuck here. It’s worse having wasted talent than no talent at all because if you aren’t good at something then it’s no harm no foul. But it sucks knowing you were good at something and you didn’t pursue it because it wasn’t “practical”
And i wasted a lot of time on top of that. Im 28 and idk what to do in the future. I wake up with regret. Sleep is my only refuge. The night isn’t long enough. I know i am lucky to at least i have a job but honestly it just is the opposite of my skill set. Numbers when i am a word person. I am always behind because i get distracted. Still live with my parents because i don’t make enough to move out. I had to go to am agency to even get this job. I have a degree but it’s basically just a ticket for grad school which i didn’t go to because i was already disillusioned about that career path. I’m tired all the time and i wasted the years where i had energy. I feel stupid ans useless and like a waste of potential. I honestly wish i could give my life to someone in a much worse off situation than me and i could just die. But then im afraid to die because i doubt I’ll even get any mental peace in death. I just wish i was never born. Biggest reason i won’t have kids, im not paasing my depression down to them like my mother gave to me.

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4 comments

system 2/18/2021 - 2:33 pm

Fear does not make you a failure. Try to reclaim your talent. Talent doesn’t disappear. If it’s something that makes you happy, pursue it little by little. Your consideration for passing down genetics is beautiful. Many people don’t think about it before having kids. I can tell from the way you write, you want to go back and you want to pursue it. That regret makes you human. You saw the value in something but you were scared because (I’m assuming) you didn’t think it would be viable, or you would fail at it. Artists still pursue art, even when it’s not viable, because it’s what they love. It calls out to them. You are still young. Granted, you’re about 10 years older than me, but that’s still young. You have much time. You sound like a passionate person who had very realistic fears, and that’s normal. That’s okay. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you can’t alter your path. I wish you the best, and I truly believe in you.

thebends 2/18/2021 - 4:08 pm

I agree with system that talent doesn’t disappear. And I also understand the regret of wasting talent, or maybe what we’re really talking about is wasting the opportunity to use that talent when the time was right. In either case I think you should get back into it. Consider the first half of your life was a 28 year lesson in figuring out what you’re meant to be doing. It takes most people a lot longer than that. I know a woman who is a talented writer but she went into a different career. When I last talked to her, she said she was almost done writing her 1st novel. She is in her late 50s.

Mf 2/18/2021 - 9:22 pm

I can relate to the feeling of wasting your life (i’m much older tho), and i can tell you, it’s never too late to turn it around. Not that i’m not suicidal, but it took a whole first career and years of working in that field to go back to what i actually wanted to do. Well, at least one of those things, pretty sure i’m never going to be a billionaire musician.

Do i hate that i wasted so much time tho? sure, but there’s plenty of things that haven’t gone my way that i’ve had to make peace with, such is the nature of life (sounding like a geezer there, lol). I do have to point out that i used my previous career so i could study my current one, so yeah, having a career that you don’t like can act as a means to an end.

As for fear? fear is fine and so is failure. They both keep us moving if used properly, the thing is not letting them freeze you. Look at it this way: if you think you failed, what do you have to lose if you try to get control back? and well… if we were born successful there would be even less of a point in being alive.

Azzam 2/23/2021 - 9:44 am

Buddy, i’m here to listen to you, and i want you to elaborate more on your stories, and i hope we can discuss this further, it’s interesting how everyone have their own personal problems on this website (i don’t mean any disrespect by saying that).

I also have my own problems. A broken family, economy problems. I really want to listen to your stories more, i’n fairly young, 20’s and in my college year. And quite the same as you, i get into economics, when i actually don’t really like economy that much. Just so that i can appeal well to my parents.

I’m an INFP MBTI type, a personality match that didn’t really match well with corporate-office-life in economics. There’s regret and worries about my future as well.

I hope you will tell us more about your stories, and we could discuss more about the topics. Thanks for sharing your story buddy, i really appreciate it

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