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repulsion

by system

the disgust.  the self shaming and hatred.  it kills me.  because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt.  i am repulsed.  i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon.  a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left.  a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet.  a slave.  reduced to an object.  discarded once they’ve tortured me until i’m emotionally unresponsive, until i’m numb.  they get bored, and they discard me.

the repulsion often eats away at me.

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heartlessviking 2/15/2021 - 2:16 am

I can relate, dehumanizing the way that others who use and abuse us discard us afterwards. It comes back to something I was trying to explain about my depression to my family; The message of abuse is ‘I don’t like you’, but the message of neglect is ‘you don’t exist.’

I’m always pushing to make peace with the nothing, make peace with being a non entity. I don’t matter eh? Not worth your time? Great, so if I am tremendously irritating or persuasive it shouldn’t be much work to let go. The first step of persuasion is always to figure out what the desires are now. Then, in a judo side step you make it so that you provide the primary chance to fix that problem. You meet a person with no desires? Oh they don’t know suffering yet, and I am always happy to educate such people.

So that’s me, a nothing, giving you my absolutely meaningless point of view. Yet, you seem to be flirting with being a nothing, or considering yourself as nothing which is close enough. You can’t hate what isn’t there, and can you or I really be certain that we are here? Perhaps we are but specs of dust on the mind of a creator. Or we are a chemical oddity presented by the happenstance of the way our solar system formed. Or perhaps we are being punished for our past lives, and we are constantly grasping towards merging with the infinite. No matter what religious background you have, there is a place for the nothing, the no one, and the utterly inconsequential.

Once 2/15/2021 - 1:33 pm

To have such a powerfully bleak sense of self because of manipulation, especially when you gave of yourself and were deceived and broken…no. Just no. It doesn’t surprise me that our species utilizes this strategy. Pat Benatar’s old song, Stop using Sex as a Weapon comes to mind. Is there a “kinder, gentler” way to manipulate? Should there be? No.

Mf 2/15/2021 - 10:03 pm

I know it might not seem like it but that can be rebuilt. Notice i say rebuilt, not fixed, since some scars stay for ages, even after all physical evidence has been erased (i learned this the hard way). The good thing about being discarded is that it gives you the chance of getting back the power you gave them, even if it might seem unlikely.

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