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by system

that uneasy something-is-about-to-happen feeling grabs me by the throat,

“all of them are the same. all of them are the same. trust no one.”

i can’t look adult men in the eyes.  i can’t stand within arms reach of them.  i can’t have a one-on-one conversation with them.  i can’t ask anything of them, even if it’s something as simple as asking for directions.  i can’t trust them.

it fills me with guilt.  i don’t want to fear them.  i can’t control it.  i’m even wary of family members (not immediate).

i can’t undo the years of trauma, i can’t erase it.  i was abused at an early age and it continued for 9 years.

i hate feeling at fault for a phobia that I lack control over.



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thedevilisclose 3/11/2021 - 1:37 am

It’s ok *hugs* I can understand that. I’m not very good around people and for the most part avoid them as much as I can. I can also understand this specifically. I wish I could offer you more advice however please don’t beat yourself up about. Trauma is a serious thing and it isn’t your fault and neither is the mental aftermath. After trauma, fear is a completely normal and rational response considering. May I ask if you’ve tried therapy. It might be best to work through this trauma vs (no offense but) this. Feeling guilt over something that isn’t your fault and you had no control over isn’t very healthy. For your sake I hope you can process this in a healthy way *hugs*

system 3/11/2021 - 1:54 am

Thank you. And yeah, I’m doing resourcing for EMDR right now. Hopefully when we actually start the EMDR I’ll be a lot more desensitized to my triggers.

thedevilisclose 3/11/2021 - 2:09 am

I hope it helps *hugs* if not feel free to do your own research. I started by simply looking at a lot of different therapy options and picking the one feels best for me *hugs* remember they don’t know you, they can really only make edcucated guess which sadly isn’t always the right answer because everyone is different

a1957 3/11/2021 - 11:38 pm

I have had good results with EMDR. I hope it gives you some peace. You deserve some peace. EMDR helped me more than I could have imagined.

system 3/12/2021 - 12:29 am

ahh that makes me even more excited !! thank you for sharing <3

blue_dude15 3/11/2021 - 2:30 am

Please don’t feel guilty, its completely understandable. It sucks and I hope that EMDR will help

Jhecev 3/11/2021 - 8:41 am

I actually feel similarly about women. Surprising for the same thing which is usually met with disbelief and ridicule so I just never let anyone know ever.
I feel bad for associating past experiences with something silly like gender. It’s like gender, race, religion, country of origin, orientation, other stuff. Things that aren’t a choice. It’s just a person why am I judging them off of something that’s meaningless. I guess you see what hurt you in others and associate. It’s like wrong. I’ve gotten to know 1000s of people and it doesn’t matter what features they are born with some of them are terrible but some are good. I actually have to remind myself of this often. It’s weird cause I’m not gay but it’s almost like I prefer men. I dislike sex. Actually makes me feel bad. It doesn’t go over well. I’m really into trans people and tom girls. I like doing drag too. I’m also attracted to scars and people who have suffered. I guess I’m most attracted to myself out of anyone I’ve ever met. I’m very alone but I am successful and can live anywhere in the US I like. I think I am disproving the idea that happiness isn’t real if not shared.

system 3/11/2021 - 11:46 am

I relate so much. It’s important to remember that we didn’t make ourselves this way, and we don’t have much control over it. I’m actually pretty sex repulsed because of the nature of the abuse I’ve endured, so I can understand how it makes you feel bad. It’s so uncontrollable and it’s just one of those things that always makes me think “of all the ways I could’ve turned out, why’d I have to turn out like this?”
Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful to know I’m not alone

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