that uneasy something-is-about-to-happen feeling grabs me by the throat,
“all of them are the same. all of them are the same. trust no one.”
i can’t look adult men in the eyes. i can’t stand within arms reach of them. i can’t have a one-on-one conversation with them. i can’t ask anything of them, even if it’s something as simple as asking for directions. i can’t trust them.
it fills me with guilt. i don’t want to fear them. i can’t control it. i’m even wary of family members (not immediate).
i can’t undo the years of trauma, i can’t erase it. i was abused at an early age and it continued for 9 years.
i hate feeling at fault for a phobia that I lack control over.