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Whatever will become of me… (My last post)

by Wisp

This is the time when I was the happiest, I’m the female obviously. I’m not going to be this happy again, I’m not going to gloss over this nor try to like cover it up, you know? I’m gonna keep pretending to be happy, you know? I’m really not sane lately, and I’ve been out of control, and this doesn’t matter, or does it matter… I want to see him again, but it’s not happening. I don’t know what I’m even doing here, like why am I even here? I could’ve just done everything right, I bet I’d be with my ex right now (he lives overseas)… although I don’t even know if I’d even want the relationship, I just want him nearby, as I said that’s not happening!

My life is a joke, a non existence, I don’t know why I have to keep pretending to want to live… there’s nothing I even want to live for. Except for my mum, of course… lol but I’m so damaged, what’s the point…

I won’t be here anymore, so I don’t know what’s even meant to become of me, I’m not suggesting that I’ll die, I don’t know even…

I think I’ve changed my name now, because I was indeed known as MOUSY. My ex was known as SQUEAKY, until last month, I was calling him that lol. I have incredible impatience. We don’t talk anymore, I think I chose to just… in all honesty I think we might’ve just become ‘too different’, but it’s so complicated at the same time, I’m a mess, did I mention? I won’t have to be failing him, anymore. Because I seem to be good at failing him, and giving him disappointment, and I’m greatly sorry for that… I’m mad at him too, I shouldn’t be… such a mess of emotions! I shouldn’t be really mad at him. I can’t help it. I could’ve made OUR lives better, if only I had put in the……………effort. Yes.

So much love to C…
SO MUCH!!! <3
I'm just so sorry… I told you I'm not even proud of myself, and considering all the mistakes I've made, I knew I'd never be.

Try to care of yourselves, and don't be ME. Really really really don't be me. Don't make stupid mistakes like I do. Just don't even… because being me is just terrible.
I know life is really difficult and it's difficult in all sorts of ways. And you don't have to be depressed even. There's always suffering. I wish I could give all of you a hug…

I'm going to go onto the game forum and do a little… write up 😛 I've been there for years, and don't get along with anyone there, and why not.. and…
lol.
I don't have any advice, if you are suffering, maybe you can find someone who will listen, I know this is actually pretty rare… or maybe write it down in a diary.

Here I've been sadgiraffe/sadspectralgiraffe/Not interested in life/no more of this please/hjerteblomst. (any other names? :P)
In the online game I've been mousy/hjerte/heartie.

Gotta sweep this misery away…

Goodbye. I know I'm a jerk, honestly it's kind of my nature, so I don't like to associate with people much, I'm a horrible friend, I'm better off without those.

Edit:
Whaaaaaaaat am I still doing here?
Nothing’s getting better, no. I never thought I’d be so attached to someone but here I am, I can imagine my ex just been laughing at me the past 2 weeks, was it, and his mum…
Sick of this MISERY, I don’t wish to live without his snuggles, the last straw is: It will never happen again. I’m the existing dead.
Cue my post, I don’;t know what’s going to happen to me…

Sorry about talking about myself for the 10000th time.
Again, goodbye!

3 comments
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3 comments

Abnormal.Thoughts 3/17/2021 - 9:06 am

I hope you find peace. You have been here since before my arrival, I’ve always enjoyed reading your posts. Maybe we will see you again in the future.
P.S. you look happy in the picture.

a1957 3/18/2021 - 11:27 pm

Oh man I remember having horrible nightmares. Not directly about, but still caused by, my mother. What a terror she was.

system 3/19/2021 - 1:28 am

these things take time : (
I hope you find peace <3
best wishes.

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