A few days ago I nearly went through with my plan. Its taken me a few days to muster up the energy to write about it. Idk if anyone really wants to read all this though, it’s a very long post.
It was the day before my birthday. It wasn’t even such a bad day, and it was a momentary decision. It sounds weird when I write it, but after I decided, I tried to make myself even more depressed so I wouldn’t back out. I wrote a quick handwritten note and another longer note on here (which I deleted). I put the password for the post on the handwritten note if anyone wanted to read it.
I told my mum I was going for a half-an hour walk and then I left the house. I think I was shaking a bit. While I wanted to die, at the same time I wanted someone to stop me. As I walked I noticed a group of adults talking, and a child cycling on his bike. I wished someone would notice something was wrong. My eyes felt damp, but I wasn’t really crying. I walked more, and I saw people walking there dogs, lots of cars, and a motorcyclist. I was getting close and closer to the train station. I wished I could see my friends one more time. In a hurry I got out my phone texted one of them “hey”. The train at the train station hooted, ready to leave. I don’t know if I’m remembering correctly, but I think I started to run. I didn’t want to miss that train.
There was an section where pedestrians could cross the railway tracks, with gates that shut when the train went. I was the only one at the gates. No one to stop me. I waited near the gates until they shut, and the train started to leave the station. I stepped closer. The gates were not very high, I could easily climb over them. The train kept getting closer and closer. But I didn’t move. I didn’t climb over the gates. I just stood there and watched the train leave. As it went past, I imagined myself under those wheels. My limbs getting ripped apart. I thought I could see the shadow of the driver, and I thought about how it would’ve affected him if I jumped in front of the train.
How did I feel? Relieved? I’m not sure. But the gates still didn’t open. I checked my watch. If I wasn’t going to do it, I should hurry home so I wouldn’t be late.
Then I saw another train coming.
There it was, another opportunity! I stepped closer to the gate than I did before. I think I reached out to touch it so I could climb over it, but my hand just froze in mid-air and I ended up watching the train go by again. I was still alive.
Ok, now I really wanted to cry. I waited impatiently for the gates to open and I hurried home. I felt shaky and tired. I saw more people walking their dogs. I saw that group of adults again, still talking. The kid with the bike was gone. I wonder where he went? Home? I saw how the leaves moved on the road in the wind. It all felt slightly unreal.