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A few days ago I nearly did it

by blue_dude15

A few days ago I nearly went through with my plan. Its taken me a few days to muster up the energy to write about it. Idk if anyone really wants to read all this though, it’s a very long post.

It was the day before my birthday. It wasn’t even such a bad day, and it was a momentary decision. It sounds weird when I write it, but after I decided, I tried to make myself even more depressed so I wouldn’t back out. I wrote a quick handwritten note and another longer note on here (which I deleted). I put the password for the post on the handwritten note if anyone wanted to read it.

I told my mum I was going for a half-an hour walk and then I left the house. I think I was shaking a bit. While I wanted to die, at the same time I wanted someone to stop me. As I walked I noticed a group of adults talking, and a child cycling on his bike. I wished someone would notice something was wrong. My eyes felt damp, but I wasn’t really crying. I walked more, and I saw people walking there dogs, lots of cars, and a motorcyclist. I was getting close and closer to the train station. I wished I could see my friends one more time. In a hurry I got out my phone texted one of them “hey”. The train at the train station hooted, ready to leave. I don’t know if I’m remembering correctly, but I think I started to run. I didn’t want to miss that train.

There was an section where pedestrians could cross the railway tracks, with gates that shut when the train went. I was the only one at the gates. No one to stop me. I waited near the gates until they shut, and the train started to leave the station. I stepped closer. The gates were not very high, I could easily climb over them. The train kept getting closer and closer. But I didn’t move. I didn’t climb over the gates. I just stood there and watched the train leave. As it went past, I imagined myself under those wheels. My limbs getting ripped apart. I thought I could see the shadow of the driver, and I thought about how it would’ve affected him if I jumped in front of the train.

How did I feel? Relieved? I’m not sure. But the gates still didn’t open. I checked my watch. If I wasn’t going to do it, I should hurry home so I wouldn’t be late.

Then I saw another train coming.

There it was, another opportunity! I stepped closer to the gate than I did before. I think I reached out to touch it so I could climb over it, but my hand just froze in mid-air and I ended up watching the train go by again. I was still alive.

Ok, now I really wanted to cry. I waited impatiently for the gates to open and I hurried home. I felt shaky and tired. I saw more people walking their dogs. I saw that group of adults again, still talking. The kid with the bike was gone. I wonder where he went? Home? I saw how the leaves moved on the road in the wind. It all felt slightly unreal.

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3 comments

system 4/20/2021 - 4:54 am

thank you for staying with us. i’m glad you’re still here, i’m glad you hesitated.
i’m glad you’re alive.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/20/2021 - 8:30 am

I’m glad you are still with us too. Wouldn’t it be nice if people were more observant? Maybe they could see the body language and the desperate eyes that are shouting for help, maybe they just can’t see it, or maybe they do but don’t feel it’s their place to say anything. Whatever the case, what’s important is that you survived without injury this time. You still have time.

Sbilko 4/20/2021 - 11:55 am

Please, next time you feel bad try the Suicide Hotline, the Crisis Chat and other resources that this website provides. Situations like these are hard

Life is precious, and one only. Please, do reconsider. I send you love!

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