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fuck everything

by TheOpenRoad

I’m falling back into the same hole with the ceiling reinforced above me. I’m afraid of what happens next. I need sleep but it won’t come. I need not to think about any of this but it won’t stop. There are no misery solving pills. Only kids can be happy. Fuck happiness, can’t I just have an ounce of self control? Normalcy maybe? I’d given it up. I was doing alright. And after all that fucking effort, all those sleepless fucking nights, it takes one stupid day to take it all apart? Who the fuck made the rules? What the fuck am I supposed tp do now? Do it all again? God. I hate myself so much. I can’t defeat myself so I can win. That doesn’t even make sense. How the fuck did I get here.

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5 comments

Robert77 4/10/2021 - 5:33 pm

That really sounds a lot like my bipolar ex wife. It does sadden me to see others like you suffer in that way. I just have deep dark depression so I generally just destroy myself. I don’t have any answers because she never got better but I guess you still have to get back on the horse and try. I know that isn’t much of an answer but its all I have. I really have no answers as to why this life has to suck in so many different ways and for some of us we have the extra obstacles that make it even harder to make it.

Sbilko 4/10/2021 - 7:17 pm

Hi, I’m trying to implement this book to my life, it’s helping me be productive / willpower: https://www.grahammann.net/book-notes/discipline-equals-freedom-field-manual-jocko-willink

elleInWi 4/11/2021 - 2:19 am

Just remember this negativity isnt set in stone. Your thoughts will change and youll see things thru a diff light. Being normal is overrated, what we need is stability.

TheOpenRoad 5/6/2021 - 11:59 am

You were right. My thoughts have changed. And I do see things through a different light. It’s so weird to feel so ok about everything. Meds really do work. And when you left this comment, I was absolutely sure I’d never get out of that hole.

blue_dude15 4/11/2021 - 5:30 am

I’m sorry for your pain. Life is so fucking unfair. I wish I could give you a hug.

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