I’m falling back into the same hole with the ceiling reinforced above me. I’m afraid of what happens next. I need sleep but it won’t come. I need not to think about any of this but it won’t stop. There are no misery solving pills. Only kids can be happy. Fuck happiness, can’t I just have an ounce of self control? Normalcy maybe? I’d given it up. I was doing alright. And after all that fucking effort, all those sleepless fucking nights, it takes one stupid day to take it all apart? Who the fuck made the rules? What the fuck am I supposed tp do now? Do it all again? God. I hate myself so much. I can’t defeat myself so I can win. That doesn’t even make sense. How the fuck did I get here.