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hopefully in a couple of months or so

by Wisp

I’ll do it… I’ll finally die, hopefully it works, I don’t wish to live this non existence any more. My ex won’t talk to me and thinks I’m stalking and harassing him, I’ve been blocked some places.
I’ll tell him in a game server just before I die or some contact method I wasn’t blocked on. I don’t want him to feel watched, harassed or stalked any longer. I f**ked everything up. I don’t deserve to live.
I want him to have peace and to not feel like he’s ‘living in fear’ or whatnot, I don’t want him to be hurting anymore, I’ll sacrifice myself to make sure of this.
everyone pretty much dislikes me or hates me anyway, except for my mum, well I’m sorry for that…. really sorry :\
best case scenario I just end up faking my death. But I’d rather be dead for real. I can’t ‘torment’ my ex when I’m dead, can I?

My birthday I want to try, sucks its near his birthday but oh well.
I’ve really f*cked this life up beyond repair.

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17 comments

thehusk 4/18/2021 - 8:40 pm

I’m guessing if he thinks he was part of the reason you did it, that’s going to be a pretty terrible feeling for him to be left with. Without knowing your situation I can’t tell you it’s not beyond repair, or whether it’s worth the struggle. But don’t do it based on perceptions of what other people think of you.

Wisp 4/19/2021 - 1:53 am

he hates me now, he would probably throw a party if I died tbh. wouldn’t care, so I’m fine with telling him now.

mountaingoat 4/18/2021 - 9:03 pm

Im thinking you ought trudge on if it is at all reasonably possible to do so.

I understand a life situation can become absolutely unbearable, making suicide pretty understandable, but a broken heart ain’t it.

system 4/18/2021 - 9:50 pm

he doesn’t deserve to be the one who ultimately took your life. he’s not worth it. picking up the little pieces of your heart can take a very long time, but i promise you that it can be done.

look up kintsugi (‘golden joinery’), it’s a really beautiful way of fixing broken things (pottery, porcelain, etc) in Japan. It’s a really good metaphor for building yourself back up after being broken.

Robert77 4/18/2021 - 10:20 pm

Although I am still struggling with ending it all I did tell my ex if she keeps pushing me over the edge she is going to get a phone call from my sister and its not going to be a good day for her. All my sisters would go after her and never let up and she knows this. Still I know as screwed up as my ex is it would still hurt her deeply if I ended it all and she would blame herself. I just couldn’t hurt even her that way.

Wisp 4/19/2021 - 5:35 am

Idk if I’m going to sound weird, but she would have to care, even if only a little bit, to be affected if you died.
Sorry if I do sound weird…

In my case, my ex would probably laugh and celebrate if I died, as I know he doesn’t care anymore

brighteyes 4/19/2021 - 1:06 am

The pain of being without your “one” is really hard- he was your everything. It isn’t over yet, Wisp. He just needs space. Give this time and space. Sometimes distance helps people figure out what they want. I would try reaching out after a month of fresh air.
Find someone that can stand by you in this heartache. Don’t take your own life, it wouldn’t be fair. You have so much ahead of you.

Wisp 4/19/2021 - 1:36 am

my chronic overemotional overreacting f**ked this up, I suppose I could say we were a little more than friends… but the break up actually happened late 2019. but he hates me because of my endless f**king up, and I don’t blame him at all, and I want him to have peace, and I’ll hopefully have my peace as well, I don’t want him to suffer. I’ll never make him unhate me, but yeah the most important thing is that he has peace.

brighteyes 4/19/2021 - 2:00 am

Losing you wouldn’t be peace. I hope you find your way through this, Wisp.

Wisp 4/19/2021 - 5:31 am

Peace for us both

blue_dude15 4/19/2021 - 2:15 am

Hey, I’m sorry for your break up, but please try to not blame yourself (easier said than done, I know). I don’t know the full story, but even if you truly f*cked up you still deserve another chance. I hope stuff gets better for you, I wish I could give you a hug.

Wisp 4/19/2021 - 5:30 am

I haven’t put the full story here because it really *was* that bad.

I severely overreacted, might as well say I became completely unhinged and treated him horribly because I couldn’t control myself at all, it’s like I went into a rage.

Nothing will get better for me, well especially when I keep f**king things up.

I basically threw my only and good friend away forever because of my actions. I call him ex because, well he is, even though we haven’t been in a relationship for over a year.

blue_dude15 4/19/2021 - 6:39 am

That does sound like you really overreacted, but you know that you did wrong and you regret it. I’ve done similar stuff like that before, and I know its really difficult not to beat yourself up about it especially when you have depression or anxiety.
I’m sorry you lost your only good friend, it must really hurt.
It probably feels like you can’t do anything right and you’re an awful person, but trust me that isn’t true. Please don’t give in and kill yourself. You can do better next time, I believe in you.

Wisp 4/19/2021 - 4:59 pm

I’d die for him

system 4/19/2021 - 6:34 pm

it’s normal to feel that way. bonds are hard to break. as weird as it sounds, i’d take a bullet for my abuser.

it takes a long time, but it begins to fade. and for those of us who are codependent (cough cough, talking about myself here), we don’t quite “move on”/come to terms with the breakup until we’re in a new relationship.

alishalol 4/19/2021 - 5:12 pm

hey babe. please dont blame yourself for this you broke up for a reason. its not your fault. <3

alishalol 4/19/2021 - 5:12 pm

hey babe. please dont blame yourself for this you broke up for a reason. its not your fault. <3

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