Idk how I feel right now. Tired, I guess. You may (or may not) have noticed I’ve been less active than usual here lately. But I find even writing exhausting.
I have a cough that’s been lingering for the past two weeks, (not covid), but my mum won’t let me book a doctor’s appointment yet. She says I should wait a while longer to see if it goes away on its own. But that’s just making me more tired. Its a silly thing to make me more tired, but there it is.
Its tiring to pretend I’m mentally ok.
I’ve been considering suicide as an option more seriously lately. I have a method that would most likely be effective.
The only thing stopping me is fear, and my friends. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but I don’t want to hurt them by doing it. They are really awesome people, and I’m so goddamn lucky to have them. But I often wonder how they would react if I died. The truth is, I’m the least popular and interesting person in the group. Would they actually cry? How long would it take for them to notice that I’m gone? And how much would they really care? Not that it matters much. I won’t know if I’m dead.
Damn, I want to cry. I want to cry so much, while someone who cares about me hugs me tight. But the person hugging would eventually have to let go sometime, they can’t hug me forever. And then I’d feel all alone again. It’s a never-ending cycle.