Just need to be honest. I told my partner some tough truths. Honestly, it was more for me than him or our relationship. Keeping those secrets was killing me. But double honestly (lol) I think I was hoping for something to change. Kind of hoped it would help things between us. But anyway, things haven’t changed much. We’re still in the same rut as before.
Earlier I thought he was the best person I’d ever known. But in retrospect it seems to me that all those unselfish things he committed to were actually exactly what he wanted. I saw him do it to someone else. In that moment he looked like a stranger to me. It’s eating away at me. Am I marrying the person I thought I loved or a master of manipulation? And still he won’t talk to me. I didn’t believe he had it in him to be this way. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do to try and fix this. I’m filled with doubts.
I didn’t expect to love him forever, but I did want to keep choosing him, and he’s making that pretty hard. Over the past year, I’ve been hurt until I didn’t want to hear from him anymore. I just don’t want to speak to him. And yet I’ve hardened my heart and melted it again over and over because I want it to work. And now we’re getting married. After the year we’ve just had, maybe I’m not ready. I’m just really tired of dancing to his tune. I either want peace or I don’t want to interact with him. Do I tell him I want to wait on marriage? That’ll hurt him. I don’t want to.
I’m really hurt that he didn’t bother to do anything about the shit I asked him about. It’s like he doesn’t care. This is hard. I wish I hadn’t met him. Maybe I should just give up. Take a break. Let myself fall out of love with him. Right now I really want to.
This is all really bothering me. It keeps me up at night. I wish I could just be truthful with everyone about everything. It would make my days so simple.
Anyway, I’m just going to keep keeping my mind off it all. Excuse the long post, I didn’t plan on this becoming a venting session but that’s what it ended up as.