I’ve had a bad day. It’s really hard to feel like this after I saw the light these past few weeks. Maybe Robert was right and meds stop working over time. Or maybe it’s worrying about marriage. I’ll tell him tomorrow I don’t want to get married yet. I just can’t keep thinking about it.
I’ll try upping my dose for a while. It’s going to be shitty when I tell him. I’m tired. I need a break from this.
I’m sort of afraid now. Is this all I get? Some time off and then back to this feeling? When the meds started working, I felt like a new person. Like everything normal everyone does suddenly made sense because that’s how they feel every day. It seemed to me that any kind of futute is not so bad, and how it’s possible to be happy doing the same things every day. I had no idea you could feel like that. I cursed myself for not doing this sooner. I’ve lost the last seven years of my life to a curable disease. But today I’m back to feeling hopeless. And I don’t know if I’ll feel better tomorrow, and if I do, if I’ll get better the next time. I wanted to die if I’d feel like this for the rest of my life. And I’m all the more sure of that now that I’ve seen the world differently. I never want to be stuck in this hole again.