I still feel mildly out of my mind. But I don’t think the caffeine is to blame. I think I am happy. But I don’t know. I feel like I churn out words that have no meaning. In an effort to feel more sane I am going to try and streamline my thoughts.
I don’t believe in God. I have not believed in many years. But today after a long time I have considered praying. Not for a higher power, not for God, but for myself. Maybe it will help me feel calmer. I want to feel calmer. I have this vague idea in my head but I can’t put it into words. I am doing things. I am trying to make things better for myself and for my family. Sometimes when I am doing something I feel good and then suddenly in the middle of it I feel like I can’t stand it one second more. That hasn’t happened to me in many years. All this time I have felt very consistently low. But I don’t know what’s happening to me now. I am not making a lot of sense. So much for streamlining my thoughts.
The meaninglessness of everything is crushing. I feel like I’m the only person in the world that knows the secret. And everybody else is just walking around blind. Living their lives. Taking their kids to school everyday. When in reality there is a crushing meaninglessness on their shoulders. They don’t realise. They don’t feel the weight. I am the only one that feels the weight and I am completely alone. Everything is difficult for me because I am the only one that feels it. Everybody else is blind. That’s what it feels like a lot of the time for me. I want to feel better than this. I want to be blind like everyone else. But I don’t know how I am supposed to achieve that. I don’t know how I am supposed to do that without being like them. Believing in God. Having a meaningless job. Being poor. Always thinking about money. Having children and a family. But I don’t know if I want those things. I don’t know if I ever want to buy a house in the city. I don’t know if I ever want to grow old. Or drop my kids to school and pick them up. It is scary. I am just very confused right now. I haven’t seen a lot of stuff I don’t have a lot of experience with much of anything. I just want to feel normal like everyone else. And I want to be able to do all these things that they do. But I don’t know how to do that being myself. And it makes me crazy to think that I am defined by my depression. This has become who I am. Because I have spent so many years in this hole. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now, where I am supposed to go from here. I have no idea what my life is going to be like in 6 months. I have no idea whether I will live or die. I have no idea whether I will do anything I ever wanted to. And the most scary thing in all of this is that before I knew how I was going to die. I was always very sure that at the end of everything, when I had done everything that I ever wanted to, I would get a gun and shoot myself. But now I am confused. I don’t know if I am going to die by my own hand. What if I die tomorrow in a car accident? How can I live like that? How can I live knowing that I don’t plan to die?