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Feeling so lonely I could die,

by AnnieQ

As if

I want somebody, anybody to be by my side… Yet I know I couldn’t stand anybody who is an actual human being getting too close.

That’s because this ‘somebody, anybody’ in these two sentences are not referring to the same thing.

I’d better say: I long for some kind of meaning, some kind of connection, a way to escape this feeling of solitude and despair,of wanting to die every day all day long, but I know this can’t be achieved by mingling with other people. I’ve always been alone somehow.  I’m at peace with the fact it will stay that way. Rationally, I actually prefer being alone.

For I have no interest in ever finding a boyfriend, relying on my friends too much , having a family of my own or anything like that.

Families are nests of misery. Why have one? So that we can be alone together? Make each other miserable? Nah thanks, I’ve already seen to much of that.


Then why?

I don’t understand why would I feel something so irrational. Yet I do.

And trying to understand doesn’t help.


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rywa 5/5/2021 - 12:15 pm

Being lonely is incredibly difficult. Even if you rationally understand you are alone there is often an innate urge as human to make connections to other people.

thehusk 5/5/2021 - 12:46 pm

Can relate. I wish my feelings were more rational – it would make it so much easier to get on with life. But this dumb part of me continually insists that I have to find some kind of connection and meaning with other people. Even though that seems impossible for me, and I can’t imagine a way to make it happen. The absence is still there each day, dragging me down, gnawing away.

heartlessviking 5/5/2021 - 9:54 pm

you sound pretty world weary. that sucks. [Internal calculations of varying responses between cruel and kind];
You’ve been hurt, deeply to the point that you are now trying to come to terms with the low self worth you have as a result of guilt relating to the situation your in? That’s how my self loathing works anyway. The point is; you care about someone enough to put up the tough facade, the question is why you think that is what they were asking for? It’s okay to hurt, be lost, and to be a bloody mess some days. It’s universal in the human experience. Wisdom is knowing that others will in fact help, with relatively little motivation to such action. When you understand that violence is expensive, in emotion, in damage, in social consequences. Meanwhile the French have the perfect word for what it is to live with such discontent; Ennui, which means the oncoming frustration, annoyance, or boredom. This is a low energy-inexpensive state, you don’t trust, you don’t love, and you don’t particularly like, but you keep it mostly inside. Drab curtains on a bright house.

Robert77 5/5/2021 - 10:54 pm

“Families are nests of misery” Yeah thats been my experience also. Mine sure was but I married a Bipolar with BPD also and was destined for misery. Now my grown children are all screwed up also and I can’t help but feel guilty although I did my best to help them along in life. I used to be fine with being lonely but it was on my terms but now it doesn’t feel like it is anymore. We have these covid lockdowns and all this social distancing and they have all but destroyed all our support systems. My beloved cat died and ever since I have felt so alone now. Im still struggling with keeping my ex wife out of my life but she is fighting me on that again. Believe me when I say living alone on Mars would be better than living with her. But she has trauma bonded me and I am just broken at this point. I really just want to die because all I feel is sick inside anymore.

a1957 5/5/2021 - 11:19 pm

“Families are nests of misery. Why have one? So that we can be alone together? Make each other miserable? Nah thanks, I’ve already seen to much of that.”

Color me negative, but yeah, I have yet to see a family that was not a nest of misery. Indeed, why have one.

Family members do make each other miserable. I have seen a few siblings grow up and over come this, but, they still went through a lot of misery first.

I have seen far too many people heartbroken by what happened in their families. All is far too many.

Thank you for loving the next generation enough not to have it.

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