I am 100% having a hard time. I am 100% getting high. Even though it’s not the kind of high I want. Just waiting for it to hit.
I cried for the first time in months. Sad part is even that left me frustrated. I couldn’t do more than leak out a few tears and be unable to feel anything. It’s always like this. Then I wanted to cut. Then I clocked out. Nope. Can’t deal with that right now. So pills it is. I just wish I’d had the good sense to keep some melatonin handy for this. Wake up in better times. Instead I get its polar opposite. But anything to stop being me right now. I know I’ll wonder what the fuck is wrong with me when this reality sets in. Then maybe I’ll do this all over again. I don’t know. I thought I had this, but I’d forgotten what it feels like to be as despondently suicidal as I do tonight. Coming down from this break just makes the comparison a hundred times more stark. Maybe I should just keep a gun handy too. I’ll never have to go through these cycles again. Just one rock bottom will be enough.
I sometimes feel absolutely immobilized. I have no words for anything. Not even in my own mind. It seems to me like the world is just too full of words. Everybody always talking. Writing rubbish. It’s too much. And most of it is absolute crap. The thought makes me feel helpless. Animal. Like there’s no worth to my putting more words out in the world. I’m a zero at communication to begin with. I never got it. Then I saw it differently. Then I could be myself on paper again. At least I have that.
I also realize something that’s difficult to admit. I’m lonely as fuck. The pandemic has made it so I am quite literally alone in the entire world. Before, I had the work girls. I fucking hated them, but I think I miss them now? It’s pathetic. Of course, my family. I’m coming to the conclusion that I want to talk to my brothers. I would not admit to them in a million years that I fucking miss them. I miss them so goddamn much. Wow, looks like it’s hitting me. I’ve got a good idea in store for tomorrow. More fucking pills.