It sort of seems to me that we live to die. The idea of growing old is scary. Everybody that’s old now was once my age. I don’t know.
A few weeks ago I was doing really badly. I was convinced I was losing my partner. Not that I’m fully convinced otherwise now. I felt dead. I couldn’t get myself to do anything. My toilet is still dirty. I wanted weed, and I couldn’t get it. I was desperate for something to change. I couldn’t sleep. I was losing myself. Smoking too much. It’s really tough to quit. I never should have started.
I don’t know how it’s possible for me to live my whole life. I want many things. But I’m afraid of time. I don’t want to be murdered. I don’t want to be poor. Fuck poverty. I especially don’t want to be raped. I was so afraid of being raped I found a way out. After I saw that dead raped girl I was decided. It’s not rape if I consent. So the first time I was in a dangerous situation, I consented. And I lived. And things went a little crazy from there.
I hate living in a big city. I grew up in a massive city. It may be my home, but I am no one there. I hate traffic and travel and people crammed into small spaces. Why is housing so expensive? I hate sitting in buses and getting a face full of smoke every few minutes. All the trees are dusty. There is never any money and there is never any space. I want to be a farmer, and wake up every day and work in the sun. I really hate dust in the air. It has no business being there.
I have no idea whether I’ll live or die. My grandfather killed himself. His wife just died. A shopkeeper I knew is dead of covid. I met a man once that studied at law school and ended up selling nuts and bolts in a roadside shop. He chose to do it because the shop paid three times what a lawyer’s salary would. He was crazy for going to college. He’s dead now of covid. I don’t know. It shouldn’t all affect me, but it makes me really sad.
I wish horribly I could talk to my partner. I’m really tired, and I have no will to do anything. I want money. I want many children. And to live where I always wanted. I wish I had a tv so I could sit on my ass and do nothing every day I come home. I wish to God I could sleep so I wasn’t so bored. I’m going to shave my head because I’m so tired of it. I want to cry. I’m depressing myself.