So bored.

I’m so bored. I’ve done pretty much everything except for drugs. Maybe I should. I just want to feel something that’s not just… really heavy emptiness and boredom. I’ve listened to so many songs, I’ve watched movies, jerked off, I can eat as much junk food as I want to. But I don’t want to do any of those things. They’re all boring now. Yesterday and the day before that I went out, took a walk. Maybe two hours. I didn’t feel anything except pain in my legs. For like a month and a half I’ve been thinking of just, buying a bottle of vodka, drinking the whole thing in one night and then just not care about anything. Wake up the next morning somewhere, anywhere that’s not my home. But I’m always scared to do it. Scared that someone will steal from me. That I’ll do something really stupid and regret it later. But I just want to live for a moment. To feel something, anything. Anything that isn’t this shitty nothingness. Meet up with strangers, do stupid shit, forget about everything that matters to me. Live a completely different life, where I’m actually alive and not just some shell left of what used to be a person. But I’m scared, I’m really scared. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith though, right? I’m trying to reason it by telling myself I’m a coward for not doing it, but if I did it I would also be an idiot, maybe I’m an idiot for not having ever put myself out there and just gone all in on whatever the fuck happens. Maybe I’m not cut out for life. I just want to do anything, literally anything that’s not being in my room for 20 hours a day and never talking to anyone at all. I’m too used to having nothing happen. I should probably just get messed up and stop worrying so much, just let loose and live a little. That’s a terrible idea but it’s literally the best I can come up with.