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waiting around

by disciple of Atropos

So, fun fact, psychiatrist waiting times are terrible where I live. The average time is usually 3-4 months. Covid probably isn’t helping. Still, I guess patience is an important virtue, so I will wait. I can wait.

It seems like my whole life is just waiting sometimes. Waiting around for the next big thing to happen- the next high or low, the next event, the next milestone, et cetera. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. It’d be tiring if every day was something new or exciting. I dunno, honestly. Life is weird.

I suspect I’m bipolar. Rapid-cycling type II, to be specific. I’m not sure, obviously (I don’t believe in self-diagnosis) but it makes sense. It’s something to hold onto, at least. If I can just wait a little longer, I can talk to a doctor, I can get meds, I can finally feel better. Sometimes the goal isn’t as grand. Sometimes, I think: if I can just wait a few more days, I’ll reach the next high and I’ll feel amazing again, even if it’s only for a week.

I’m on a “high” again. I guess it would be called hypomania, but I’m reluctant to use official terms like that. I feel like I don’t deserve to use those words, like they’re masks I’ve somehow stolen. I feel like I’m making this all up for attention. I feel like I’m faking all of these emotions because I want to feel special. But, then again, being suicidal isn’t exactly fun. It’s not something I want to boast about.

But I’m getting off topic. I feel super duper happy again. I sing a lot when I get like this. It’s not even good singing. I talk a lot, too. Sometimes I find myself pacing because I have so much energy and I need to get it out somehow. That’s how I know I’m having one of these episodes again. I always have a lot of energy. It’s like drinking too much coffee.

I feel hopeful. I feel like I’ll make my way out of this. One day. If I can just wait, it’ll all be over.

Does this make any sense? I have no idea. Sometimes I write really weird sentences, ones that go on forever and ever, like a bad surrealist painting. Editing can be a nightmare.

But, yeah, I’m waiting. That’s all for now.


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elleInWi 5/12/2021 - 11:22 am

Yea i was told about wait times today as well. It kinda sucks cuz its like, what if you lose your battle before the appointment even happens? People want help and they want it now not months later. But just dont give it another thought, just continue livin life an doin what you do until u get that call. Because i learned that dwelling on stuff is useless no matter how much we want to.

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