So, fun fact, psychiatrist waiting times are terrible where I live. The average time is usually 3-4 months. Covid probably isn’t helping. Still, I guess patience is an important virtue, so I will wait. I can wait.
It seems like my whole life is just waiting sometimes. Waiting around for the next big thing to happen- the next high or low, the next event, the next milestone, et cetera. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. It’d be tiring if every day was something new or exciting. I dunno, honestly. Life is weird.
I suspect I’m bipolar. Rapid-cycling type II, to be specific. I’m not sure, obviously (I don’t believe in self-diagnosis) but it makes sense. It’s something to hold onto, at least. If I can just wait a little longer, I can talk to a doctor, I can get meds, I can finally feel better. Sometimes the goal isn’t as grand. Sometimes, I think: if I can just wait a few more days, I’ll reach the next high and I’ll feel amazing again, even if it’s only for a week.
I’m on a “high” again. I guess it would be called hypomania, but I’m reluctant to use official terms like that. I feel like I don’t deserve to use those words, like they’re masks I’ve somehow stolen. I feel like I’m making this all up for attention. I feel like I’m faking all of these emotions because I want to feel special. But, then again, being suicidal isn’t exactly fun. It’s not something I want to boast about.
But I’m getting off topic. I feel super duper happy again. I sing a lot when I get like this. It’s not even good singing. I talk a lot, too. Sometimes I find myself pacing because I have so much energy and I need to get it out somehow. That’s how I know I’m having one of these episodes again. I always have a lot of energy. It’s like drinking too much coffee.
I feel hopeful. I feel like I’ll make my way out of this. One day. If I can just wait, it’ll all be over.
Does this make any sense? I have no idea. Sometimes I write really weird sentences, ones that go on forever and ever, like a bad surrealist painting. Editing can be a nightmare.
But, yeah, I’m waiting. That’s all for now.