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Want a time out

by TheOpenRoad

I’m tired of myself. I want a break from being me. A long sleep. There’s a place in my mind I go when I need comfort, and I want that place to be real. I wish I was a different person. Born somewhere else. In a different time. My eyes are tired. I need somewhere to slow down. Life just moves too fast. I’m sick of isolation. I want to go outside again and run to catch the bus. I haven’t been sleeping enough. I tried to give something to someone yesterday and it didn’t work. I wish I had a different first language. Reading is dangerous. I don’t want reality, I want all the places I escaped to in books and movies and dreams. My stomach is empty and I won’t fill it. I plan too much. I wish she’d stop talking. I’m a prisoner of ritual. I want to sleep forever. I’m going to lose everything. If only I was less tired. I want energy. I honestly want to change. How do I change? I’m a secret. I hate lying and that’s all I do. Because everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie I am completely alone. I just need the strength to change something. But all change falls through eventually. Every time I achieve a change I just go back to what it was like earlier in a few weeks. How do I stop? God, I hate every day. I hate myself. Why can’t I tell him everything? Why am I still lying? It’s crushing me. There’s no such thing as a white lie. At least I’m not angry anymore. Why can’t I take a break? I want to be a kid again and have a summer vacation. And now she’s calling me. It’s just annoying. I’m not paying her for leaving me stranded halfway to the city with nothing but a bag of toiletries. I’ll really call the cops if she doesn’t quit asking.


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Abnormal.Thoughts 5/2/2021 - 9:32 am

The adults always say to enjoy being a kid, the kids always want to be adults. To be fair, I really only miss the summer breaks, and not having bills of course.
“Reading is dangerous. I don’t want reality, I want all the places I escaped to in books and movies and dreams.” I agree, but I don’t see that as a negative, reading is a good way to escape for a while, which is kind of what you are looking for.
In regards to lying, if you aren’t ready to talk about it doesn’t mean you’re lying, you can tell him when you’re ready. I don’t have the context here so I could be way off point.
Take care

TheOpenRoad 5/3/2021 - 3:22 am

Thanks for your kind words. And yeah I guess it isn’t really lying, but it feels like dishonesty.

Once 5/3/2021 - 11:55 pm

” I’m sick of isolation. ” I get this. All too well. It’s the quickest way to develop a soul eating cancer…to be alone. We’re social animals, but being social is so difficult, and being isolated kills you. What the hell does life expect from us? Yeah, isolation sucks. Big time.

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