Family chains

I can’t even silently exist near someone without coming off as a ***** (my brother says I have to watch my body language because I can come off as a ***** he didn’t say that exactly but thats essentially what he said). What the hell can I do? I don’t mean too I just try to stay out of the way and make as low of impact wherever I am, and if I speak I’m annoying or at least no one seems to care what I am saying their eyes wander they look at their phone they don’t even register what I am saying I know I talk fast but thats why I talk fast I’m so used to my family not paying attention to what I am saying then leaving the conversation or immediately changing it , if I don’t speak I’m being a moody *****, I know I  have resting ***** face I don’t know how to change that! I just don’t know how to exist… I give up I cant do this anymore, people are to difficult and seem to dislike me no matter what I do….. no I’m just feeling sorry for myself and doing the whole world is against me spiel, I really am a selfish ***** I should end it… I really should. I don’t feel sane and my stupid monkey brain craves human connections but I don’t want to be around people anymore I mean my family connections feel like chains, they just make me feel bad about myself mostly my mother but she’s allowed to do that to me because she has emotional trauma is what everyone in my family tells me but I’m not allowed to stand up to her abuse then I’m the ***** especially if she cries and she cries even when if I’m just trying to be assertive I don’t try to make her feel bad I just want her to acknowledge the emotional abuse she caused me and do they know how many times she’s made me cry why is it like this why