?It’s been about five days since my last suicide attempt. That day I didn’t really want to kill myself and not right now either but I felt like it was the only thing left for me to do. I stopped myself at the last second though, thinking that there is still a lot of things that I want to do. Like having a close relationship with someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or something romantic. It would probably be best for me if it was just a friend though. I had a crush on a girl at my school which I haven’t gone to since March and I really, really regret not at least getting to know her because she was a friend of a friend and I had liked her for a really long time. I still think about her, a lot. Things I could have said to her but was too scared to say. Conversations I could have had. I know it’s not good for me, but my mind just goes wherever it wants to go. There are so many things I could have done that I didn’t do just because of my parents religion. Why should I care about what God wants me to do? It’s not like he ever helped me when I did what I was supposed to do. Why have I never just done what I want to do without restraining myself because of morals and principles that I don’t even care about? Why is it that now that I don’t have those I’m too scared to talk to anyone? Rather, why have I always been so scared about opening up to people? Why did my parents think it was a good idea to humiliate me whenever I was interested in a girl? It’s so much but it’s also nothing. Nothing at all. That’s why it feels so wrong. Because I shouldn’t be feeling the way I am, but I am. And the doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why do I feel like this… Why do I have to deal with all of this regret. Why can’t I just be brave and honest like I want to be?
At least writing these things takes my mind somewhere else for a moment.
2 comments
That definitely gets at it, the existential angst is definitely something I’ve felt. You only have to deal with anything as much as attention demands and your mind allows. If it hurts, your mind wants urgent attention on something. Find that something before your mind cooks itself and you end up inpatient.
Regret reflects investment in past actions. Okay, well to start with each event try and figure out how much is “Someone else’s fault” and “my part”, in any negative interaction that is bothering you. Learn to control the “my part” and the “someone else’s fault” will fall into place. Or maybe not, self doubt is my curse.
I really like “why can’t I just be brave and honest like I want to be?” that’s really the question isn’t it? I look at my relationships, and what they require of me. If they require more of me than I can give, I need to set the boundary. So goes the theory anyway. I’m not as brave and honest as I would like, but moreso than yesterday, which is a distinction
Yeah… sometimes the past is a bit overwhelming for me. But right now, I’ve spent more than a year almost completely isolated and I finally feel at least a little bit more than I used to, at peace with myself. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to get to know people, and little by little become braver and more honest with others. And maybe in the future, I’ll get to have those experiences that I regret not having in the past. I think I’ll be okay… I think I’ll be okay.