All of a sudden after speaking to an old friend I’m back in this feeling. I’m weaker than I was. I’ve never wanted something so bad before. Fuck, this feeling is everything I was trying to avoid.
I know if I cry now I’ll fuck this whole day up. I’m cornered, threatened, and then suddenly my attacker disappears into thin air, and I’m alone, sobbing, feeling stupid.
All of a sudden I want to escape again. I want so bad to move away from here. Move east this time.
Addictions are really tough to deal with. Once an addict, always an addict. You never get to casually enjoy it again. Somehow, every time you try moderation, you’re hurtling down at breakneck speed again. Why does it have to be like this? I wish so bad it were different. I want a second chance.
I’m feeling so goddamn horrible. I want to escape. To anywhere.
When I talk, I feel like people can’t understand me. It always surprises me when someone answers me. When I’m by myself I pretend to be deaf and dumb. I manage to go days without saying a word. One time I pretended to be deaf and dumb at work, and didn’t say a thing to my colleagues all four months I was there. That was so relaxing. Nothing to worry about. Just myself and an animal whose thoughts to hear. It was a very unique experience. If I move I can replicate it.
I’m feeling low, and I want a pill to make it go away.