This place is good for getting my feelings out. Finding someplace in my head that’s empty of these thoughts.
So, I had a good day yesterday. I went out of my way to make something different about it. And I succeeded. Although what I did was bad for my sleep schedule, it was good for me as a person. I really enjoyed myself. I felt happy doing all that.
I’m ill today, and I haven’t been able to get a lot of work done, but I’m feeling a bit better now…so maybe I’ll start? I really should. Time management has never been one of my strong suits.
Even though getting off medication has been hard, work in the right direction has been making me feel better. I’m ready to make more efforts now in all aspects of my life. With my personal life, my professional life, and…I called my mother. It didn’t go great. But I didn’t expect it to, and I’ve still got a date with her in a week. That’s definitely progress how she wants to see me.
I’ve always been conscious about my scars. I don’t swim because then they’ll be visible. My whole wardrobe is geared towards keeping them out of sight. So, yesterday I saw this guy outside, working at this construction site, surrounded by other guys in hardhats and a couple of bosses maybe. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and his whole left arm was covered in these thick white scars. All paralell from shoulder to wrist. No way that was an accident. He did that to himself. And he really wasn’t bothered by all the questions he had certainly been asked by all those guys. That was inspiring. It made me feel like I have nothing to be ashamed of either. Maybe I can do something different in the near future. It made me feel accepted. Hopeful for better times.
Overall, it’s been a good day in all aspects but one, and I plan to fix that this evening. Even though I’m shivering sick, I feel good. It seems getting better from depression doesn’t just rest on antidepressants. It’s more about the effort I put in. Meds make it easier to put in that effort. But if I can get off my ass and stop dissociating, I can help myself even without them.