hello. I’ve vented on here once before and it helped a bit. and I’ve been needing someone too talk too. So if posting twice is against the rules I’m sorry and you could delete this. If you’d like too know about some things about my life and stuff you could read my other vent called “im just a kid.” okay let me start. my dad has been putting a lot of pressure on me too study CFA and I’m only 12. i get hes doing it for my future but its gone too far. summer. I didn’t enjoy it. my devices were taken away for 2 months. i got them back on July and yet again they took my stuff away again. Hes been signing me up for classes and everything during summer and so much more. i get its for my future but like this shit has is the reason i wanna kill myself. they’d never accept me for who i am and who i want too be. the only thing i learned this summer was how too take pills and that im lesbian. the only thing thats keeping me going is my online best friend. she’s helped me a lot but i feel like im bothering her every time i vent because this is not her problems its mine. she keeps telling me its okay but i just don’t think it is. i don’t wanna live anymore i just don’t think i could do this. i have so much hate for my family and everything but i hate myself the most for turning out to be like this. why couldn’t i just not be the daughter they wanted? yes i do wanna get away from them and get help but i dont wanna think of them every god damn day. school is also starting soon and im not ready at all. my mental health is shit and every time i try too get better my parents or thoughts always fucking ruin it. and i don’t even know what to do if im awake. i only think of dying. I wanna play the drums i wanna go out and have fun i wanna be happy i wanna have a cat i wanna be a normal kid. okay ill study ofc i will but i just can’t do this. i want my only 2 friends too drop me because i really don’t want to hurt them when i kill myself. ive been hiding a phone that my parents don’t know about but they found out about it and i really don’t want them too know what the password is cuz if they do they’ll know im lesbian and have online friends and that they’re the reason i wanna kill myself. it doesn’t matter if i live or if im dead i don’t make any change in this world and im just here. I just need someone anyone too tell me what too do besides running away. i live in an arab country so contacting the police wont do shit since abuse is normalized here and mental health doesn’t matter. So please if anyone could just tell me what too do I’d love that. i can’t go out for walks i can’t go out i can’t do anything it fucking sucks. everyday at like 4-9 am i take my skech book and draw it makes me feel better but i only do it at that time cuz any other time just doesn’t feel right. no the future they want me too have i don’t want that i really don’t. i wanna be in a band I wanna be myself i wanna play the drums i wanna have a cat i wanna be able too live with my wife in the woods. okay yeah I’ll start a business or go on the stock market or buy bonds and stuff ill do that! but they want me too be a Muslim women with a husband starting a business and stuff. i don’t want that. islam is very beautiful don’t get me wrong but it’s just not for me. and they’ll never accept me. when i wake up till i sleep all thats on my mind is killing myself and my imaginery future that i made up. So please if anyone could tell me what to do it’ll mean a lot. I don’t wanna die I don’t I wanna live my life but not like this.. And if i can’t live the life i want then I’ll have no other choice but too end my life. Thank you to whoever spen t their time reading this.