I have been doing fairly well for a considerable time. But right now, I don’t feel good. I feel silent again. Locked inside myself, unthinking, unfeeling, angry. I don’t have the will to do right now. I have been failing at too much, and I have also been succeeding at much, which is seeming less important to me by the minute.
I have had a poor day. I haven’t slept, and I haven’t done enough for myself. I feel slow again, like I could disappear. I want to smoke something that will make it go away. I want my days to be easier.
Maslow listed self-actualization at the top of his pyramid. Self-actualization requires self discipline. I lack self discipline. Why am I taking two steps back for every step forward? What need have I not yet fulfilled? I don’t know. I could list several from random levels on the pyramid, and so I don’t know. I’m tired, and I feel bad, and I don’t know.
When I’m feeling good, life goes by too fast for my taste, even though I don’t realize it at the time. It’s the little things that get to me. Bouncing my leg till my foot is sore. The relief of bed. The constant escapes I need in greater and greater values. How isolated I feel when I’m quiet. And times like these when I’ve burnt out.
I dislike myself for not being able to stop doing things that are clearly harmful to me. I want control over my thoughts and actions. But no matter what, I seem to fall into the same familiar patterns over and over and over. I don’t know how to break out. And no matter how much I struggle with, I’m always loath to spend my hard earned money on glorified grandmothers (therapists).
I want to be hungry. I want things to go slower. I don’t want to oscillate between this and a racing heart.
Sometimes I take comfort in certain people, and other times I beat myself up for doing so. Sometimes I cry for certain reasons and other times I don’t need to cry for those exact same reasons. Sometimes I die inside from the beauty of sunlit water, and other times, I can’t even see the water because I’m so cloudy inside. I want more sunlight in my life. I don’t feel anything right now. And this is only a fraction of the great big cliff there was inside my ribcage at my worst. I don’t want to go back to that. And to think I had no idea.
I feel unheard. Like a fly on the wall. I don’t like feeling like a fly on the wall. It makes me go someplace else in my mind, where I’m not real. But I have no idea how to escape all these situations I’m continually placed in where I’m no one. When I’m no one, I feel dangerously invisible. Like I could stab myself in the palm and neither the stabber nor the stabbed would be me.