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I don’t know

by TheOpenRoad

I have been doing fairly well for a considerable time. But right now, I don’t feel good. I feel silent again. Locked inside myself, unthinking, unfeeling, angry. I don’t have the will to do right now. I have been failing at too much, and I have also been succeeding at much, which is seeming less important to me by the minute.  

 

I have had a poor day. I haven’t slept, and I haven’t done enough for myself. I feel slow again, like I could disappear. I want to smoke something that will make it go away. I want my days to be easier. 

 

Maslow listed self-actualization at the top of his pyramid. Self-actualization requires self discipline. I lack self discipline. Why am I taking two steps back for every step forward? What need have I not yet fulfilled? I don’t know. I could list several from random levels on the pyramid, and so I don’t know. I’m tired, and I feel bad, and I don’t know.

 

When I’m feeling good, life goes by too fast for my taste, even though I don’t realize it at the time. It’s the little things that get to me. Bouncing my leg till my foot is sore. The relief of bed. The constant escapes I need in greater and greater values. How isolated I feel when I’m quiet. And times like these when I’ve burnt out. 

 

I dislike myself for not being able to stop doing things that are clearly harmful to me. I want control over my thoughts and actions. But no matter what, I seem to fall into the same familiar patterns over and over and over. I don’t know how to break out. And no matter how much I struggle with, I’m always loath to spend my hard earned money on glorified grandmothers (therapists). 

 

I want to be hungry. I want things to go slower. I don’t want to oscillate between this and a racing heart. 

 

Sometimes I take comfort in certain people, and other times I beat myself up for doing so. Sometimes I cry for certain reasons and other times I don’t need to cry for those exact same reasons. Sometimes I die inside from the beauty of sunlit water, and other times, I can’t even see the water because I’m so cloudy inside. I want more sunlight in my life. I don’t feel anything right now. And this is only a fraction of the great big cliff there was inside my ribcage at my worst. I don’t want to go back to that. And to think I had no idea. 

 

I feel unheard. Like a fly on the wall. I don’t like feeling like a fly on the wall. It makes me go someplace else in my mind, where I’m not real. But I have no idea how to escape all these situations I’m continually placed in where I’m no one. When I’m no one, I feel dangerously invisible. Like I could stab myself in the palm and neither the stabber nor the stabbed would be me. 

 

 

 

 

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7 comments

kannon 7/19/2021 - 12:37 pm

“I have been doing fairly well for a considerable time. But right now, I don’t feel good. I feel silent again. Locked inside myself, unthinking, unfeeling, angry. I don’t have the will to do right now. I have been failing at too much, and I have also been succeeding at much, which is seeming less important to me by the minute. ”

I especially relate to this, I have severe psychosis and depersonalisation and am under psychiatric care. Though I doubt it will get me anywhere. Every day is like wading through mud with no enjoyment or satisfaction, just trying to tune out from the fact of how bored and empty I am. Also the fact that I never really existed at all.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I do envy the fact that you cry. I don’t even remember what emotions feel like. Even my anger is empty, everything feels like it has been smothered into nothingness. Even all the positive qualities I once had.

I wish I could kill myself, but I don’t know whether I can’t because I am too strong and compelled to live or just too bored to die; because with death there isn’t fear anymore. I already feel like I’m dead every day.

TheOpenRoad 7/22/2021 - 11:08 am

I’m sorry. I can understand what it’s like for you right now. Hold on, things may just get better. They do for me sometimes.

Once 7/19/2021 - 5:41 pm

A well written summary of the contrasts of the human condition. Thanks for posting this. I couldn’t have written this, yet feel much of it.

TheOpenRoad 7/22/2021 - 11:10 am

Glad you’re still here Once. Hope you’re doing alright.

elleInWi 7/19/2021 - 10:54 pm

::hugz:: im sorry

unknown 771 7/20/2021 - 7:04 pm

I like to think of this feeling as a black hole, that takes away are emotional significance to things. i can tell u want to be free. to feel, like you. because i think u feel out of ur body, and out of ur life. whitch fucking sucks and im so sorry for everything u have been going through and continue to go through.” I want more sunlight in my life. I don’t feel anything right now. ” it sucks because i know how u feel. and sometimes its hard. to feel things to want to live and to want to be alive for ur self. thats the hardest part but i wish u the best. i hope u find ur will, and i hope one day u can look at the sky and u are glad to be alive.

TheOpenRoad 7/22/2021 - 11:07 am

I hope the same for you anon.

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