First, I want to talk about a purely positive thing that came up last night. My wife surprised me and invited all of our friends over to play board games and hang out. That was great, though it did catch me unprepared, but I got steadily buzzed and coasted through fine.
I like thinking about such things as self contained. It’s like a self contained negative event, no need to work it into my predictions. Then one of my friends said they might have a lead on some work. What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t have the strength to hope in unfulfilled promises. It has become something I am quite accustomed to that my family and friends blow smoke about good news just to see me smile for a day. Which is sweet, but also dangerous.
I woke up this morning and thought; “we’ll see if and when it comes to anything, I should continue assuming that no help is coming.”
Yet, like a trap baited with honey, it entices me, the prospect of hope. Then I look at my arms and the scars decorating almost every inch of my skin, and I remember. For every moment of my life that on the surface appeared positive, I have spent my blood, sweat and tears either to get there, or because of the false perception that things might semi regularly work out to my benefit.
More and more I’m learning to live in memory, and not in the awful world I find in the so called “present.” There were some really good times. There were also some bad times. Someday I’d like to live in reality with others again, but right now, I’m enjoying my exile, as much as a depressed person can “enjoy.”
3 comments
congratulations on a not-shitty day, even if its false hope. I think the takeaway is that you have a few people who are looking out for you. about hope & disappointment, its a tough question. Some would say theres no harm in building up hope. others would point out it hurts more to fall from high places. both are partially true. I tend to trust, not by choice but thats just how im built. trust hope disappointment misery, repeat cycle til you die. the other option is stick with the safety of misery. or like you said, live in the safety of the past. the past cant hurt you (any more than it has)
I think my complex trauma makes me distrustful and a little paranoid by default, and being aware of that I try to trust people despite my doubts. That being said; humans are utilitarian beings to the core. There’s no proof that actual unattached altruism exists. There are multiple social and financial gains provided by helping others, which stains the whole thing.
I know me being alive is worth some serious effort from my friends and family. What I don’t understand is how they selectively choose when to be there for me. As for my motivations; I want a kid, and I want to travel to Europe…. there’s a whole complex side path about my desire for an honest to god miracle involving a vision that I experienced in my early 20s, yet, talking about it proves very hard. I thought I had a vision/mission from God….. and maybe I did, but it is a winding and treacherous path to get there.
The only hope I feel safe in is that people will remember me. It is unavoidable, I appear to make an indelible impact on everyone who meets me.
interesting (unsolvable) question about whether unattached altruism exists. We can think ourselves into the dirt wondering what someone’s “angle” is for doing nice things. but i think… i hope… sometimes it’s a natural instinct. if you see someone in distress it’s your natural instinct to try to help even if they’re complete strangers or even enemies.
i think darwin talked about this and he concluded that it’s to the benefit of the species if it helps itself. but then he was at a loss to define why we help other species, a beached whale, a stray dog, or a fly trapped at a window. i like to think unattached altruism is in every living thing but it’s buried deep under the survival (selfish) instinct.
in other words at least in the case of your wife and your friends helping you out, i think they’re just doing it because it’s a nice thing to do for someone who’s suffering. they may also see the undiscovered potential in you- those goals you just mentioned. but mainly i think kindness exists. rarely but its there.