Yesterday I felt like trash, but I think I am getting better after all. I’m not sure if it’ll all be reset this winter, who knows. Although whenever I see anyone close to me I’ll think of their reaction after my death, for the first time in years, I can actually talk about the future, my future. For the first time in years, in the flash of a second, I genuinely saw myself in the future: miserable, but still alive. 20,30,40,50,60. For a second I genuinely wanted to live. As frightening as it is, I won’t quit for now, I am scared of the reaction of my family, I still want to. Already, the thought to continue living disappeared, that’s alright, there’s no rush, I can still strangle whenever I want to, I can still write about it whenever I want to, I can die anytime, as long as I won’t mind my mother killing herself after she discovers my body. I can’t, not for now. I shouldn’t be talking about this, I’ve just gotten a bit better after all.
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12 comments
I’ll probably take this back tomorrow, haha…
Strangling is really dangerous… What if you have an accident? I remember you said you wore turtle necks… It makes me sad…You’ve suffered for so long, Evian. Winter’s coming once again. Is no one listening to you? Do you have someone to turn to?
Strangling is really dangerous… What if you have an accident? I remember you said you wore turtle necks… It makes me sad…You’ve suffered for so long, Evian. Winter’s coming once again. Is no one listening to you? Do you have someone to turn to?
I’m alright for now. As of now I want to live until I get some time off to travel back home and see my dogs 🙂 As scary as it sounds, rarely do I truly hurt myself, there was only two times where it left marks. I don’t strangle that often anymore.
Thank you! I hope everything goes okay in your life
That’s very relieving. 🙂 You don’t deserve those marks, Evian.
Traveling for work, I bet people envy the change. I couldn’t handle being away from my dogs either!
It isn’t really for work, and I’ll probably have to wait for another year to be with them, but soon! i can already imagine the little corgi wiggling his tail and running everywhere, all excited and stuff
Aw! Well hopefully he responds to video chat!
Hopefully, he isn’t anything like the Dane I had in third grade. I was crying in the garage, and I reached over to hug it for comfort, and it knocked me down into a bunch of bikes haha
Enjoy whatever brief respite you can. One more day.
Most definitely
I despise summer, when I’m stuck in it. As an occasional vacation, sounds fine. My meds make it so that for the past month I can’t be outside for longer than 30 minutes and stay active. The heat and humidity comes from all sides, and seems to devour all hope.
What I would really like is to live underground; no bitter cold, no oppressive heat. No windows to worry about people looking in, I can set the light level to my preference, not to what is required so that I can move around the house.
That potentiality is the only future I am interested in, these days. I want that, and to be able to grow/farm all of my food. Ah, tis nice to dream, but we all have to wake up, or so it seems.
I wish I can make it go away. Living on a farm, off the grids, how wonderful…