Me, Myself and I

Alone

Ever since i was a child i’ve always felt alone in this world. As a child my home/family situation has set the tone for my neural development. Out of all the typical domestic troubles such as physical and emotion abuse, to an overall unstable living environment filled with family drama…my depression started to manifest.

Ever since i was 6 i could remember feeling alone, sad and not having anyone to talk about how i’m feeling. Often i had to entertain myself. Whenever i watched other kids interacting with their father and mother (or other family members) having fun and i often wondered why it made me feel so empty inside. It’s not strange seeing i often came home to an empty dinner table having to eat dinner alone. On other days it’s an entirely empty house altogether.

When i was 12 i remembered how good i felt going to my friends house and having dinner with their family, playing games, watching movies and doing fun outdoor activities. I often did not even wanna go home, to the point i felt a bit sad about having to go back home.

I also noticed how my other friends family seemed to actually care about their day, what they learned in school or what they’re passionate about in general, which was foreign to me. My father was never around to care about anything that concerned me (we don’t talk anymore anyways – horrible father) and my mother was (and still is) often more occupied with her daily never ending phone calls to care about the things i cared about and show support through actions instead of through a few shallow words.

Whenever i get really depressed it’s often a childhood reminder of the fact that i’m really just alone in this world. Now i’m grieving the loss of my two grandmothers and i try to seek support and company but fail to get it from my mother. I’ve frequently mentioned wanting to go and have dinner and just talk, find some sense of support. But she is always on the phone and i can’t get any contact. Today she went outdoors, went and had dinner at the restaurant i’ve been mentioning for 2 weeks straight and did not invite me.

I felt so sad and alone…i went outdoors and had dinner on my own in a restaurant and then after that i went to the casino hoping i could win some money to pay for new cooking pots, and a dress to wear to my grandmother funeral and still leave back some money to do fun things outdoors at the same time…but instead i lost €40,- and went home alone feeling even shittier…that’s life i guess :'(

”I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me, and I walk alone”

-Green day