Motivation speech to kill myself. Feel free to read along, comment, etc.
I was supposed to do this in May. I was ready mentally and physically to end this once and for all. What stopped me was a stroke of good luck. A stroke of incredible luck which, at the time, seemed like the my chance for a brand new life. This, I came to realize, wasn’t the case. It did change things for the better but only in the sense that it was like finding a glass of water in the desert. You gulp it and feel relief, but you’re still in the desert.
So we’re back here staring suicide in the face. Fear is strong. Fear of what? I’m not afraid of gods or demons. The only thing I’m afraid of is making a mistake that I cannot correct. Regardless of what we believe may come after, one thing is for sure: once it happens, death cannot be changed.
Isn’t that funny. Life can be changed (by ending it), but death cannot. It is perhaps the only thing in the universe that absolutely cannot be undone. And that’s what I’m afraid of. Obviously all the other souls who have killed themselves since time began have faced this fear and conquered it. I think the statistic is 1 in 10,000. One person in 10,000 has the guts. To put that in perspective, about 1 in 5000 can run a 5-minute mile. Your chances of being able to run a 5-minute mile are twice as good as being able to kill yourself. Those are hard facts, as much as we like to believe we have the freedom to end our lives any time we want. No. Only a rare 1/10,000th of us has what it takes.
But here’s the difference. Whereas running a 5-minute mile takes years & years of training, discipline and practice (a hell of a lot more than just waking up one day and saying “today I’m going to run a 5-minute mile”), suicide is purely a matter of wanting it bad enough.
Thats literally all it takes.
I want this bad. I want this. We’re taught that you can have anything in life if you want it bad enough, and that’s mostly just bullshit they tell kids in low budget made-for-tv movies. But in this case it’s 100% true.
You want to be free from all this hell? It’s easy, anyone can do it. You just have to want it bad enough.
4 comments
I know this sounds like a cliche man and it is.But its gonna be ok,Give yourself time,I believe in you,Why cant you?
See, that’s a perspective I had at one point, as well. I thought that suicide was courageous, but is it? Is it really? You know life is awful. It’s a test to see how much suffering you can handle, or how well you can manage to delude yourself into thinking you’re not. That’s all it is, period. So opting out is failure, plain and simple. It’s not victory, it’s defeat. It’s not relief, it’s escape. It’s not a solution, it’s an unresolved problem that you couldn’t muster the will to continue trying to solve. It’s not like there isn’t a solution, just that the solution isn’t easy. I won’t tell you that giving up isn’t a viable option, but I absolutely won’t tell you it’s the right one.
When I was at my lowest, though, ultimately the way out of that pit of despair was acceptance. I had to accept all the awful things about myself that put me where I was, and learn to love those parts of me along with the aspects of myself that were redeemable and even somewhat amazing. I had to accept the whole “me,” and then understand that that construct wasn’t “me” at all. I had to stop holding on so tight to the things that I wanted to force into a neat little box, let it be messy and entropic, and work through that mess a piece at a time. It wasn’t fun, but it was rewarding, and I allowed myself to be grateful for those tiny little victories: the ability to still laugh in the midst of suffering, to show people kindness and courtesy and never expect a single thing in return, to feel lonely and be okay with it, to see the world as it truly is and try to make it better despite knowing my feeble efforts would do next to nothing. Suicide is selfish, ultimately, and I don’t want to be that, so now I’m not, and while I wouldn’t call myself happy, I would say I’m more at peace now than I’ve ever been, no matter what life throws at me. Luckily, for me, that’s enough.
You’re absolutely correct, it comes down to wanting it bad enough. I chose the pill method ( wrong choice) and lived to tell the tale which is a negative thing, If I had of leaped from a great height I would of been successful. Method is everything when it comes to suicide.
1 in 10.000 ? No, much more people could kill themselves. Give them a dream within reach, then in the last second dump it along with everything the ever liked, and give them the feeling of that its thier fault. Then many more would consider giving it up. Living is hard, dying is easy. The people who consider it, still have slight hopes they cling to, that’s holding them back, no matter how unreal or stupid those hopes are, they still keep us from doing an unchangeable decision. After all, death awaits us all in the end, so no need to hurry it. I was on the edge too, but I didn’t wanted my family and friend to know that I’ve give up. I was hoping for a happy accident (I still do someday) but that kept me from doing it my self. A stupid little hope, that still helped when it was necessary. Instead of fantasizing of how you want to leave, why not take that time and ask yourself why you want to leave. If you answered the why, ask again: why is that so, why did it go so far. Keep asking until you find the deepest answer, so you can work on it. It takes time, will be tiring, might be unbearable sometime as well, but in the end, you look back and there is two option: 1: you look back all the time wasted and spent in misery . 2: this was worth it. Which one do you want it to be?
Sorry I’f I put it a little harsh, but that 1/10.000 part hit me on the spot. With that theory I highly disagree.