most of the time, i just feel like i’m trapped in some sort of abyss, a limbo, where nothing seems to happen and the emptiness is oppressive. but then, when things happen, they happen all at once and it’s just so much it’s overwhelming.
i need more balance. this is one of those much harder problems it seems. my brain does just one weird insignificant thing and then it confuses me so much that once i actually figure out how to deconstruct it, everything makes sense all over again and i have too much motivation and too many ideas for how to move forward.
stupid brain.
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ah, the more stupid thing is that i usually just brush it off and wait for the emptiness to come back, so i never get organized enough to actually accomplish anything.
I can relate, currently in the endless expanse without purpose or sense. Once I was an ambitious bastard, willing to do anything to advance my will on my life. I like to think maybe I’ve gotten over it. I gave all, and my return on that investment so far is health problems, mental illness and a cynical outlook on the future.
The last few days temptations have arose, to resume my meaningless quest to satisfy my ambition. My response; “What’s your offer?”
so i was wondering if there is some good answer to this comment or whether it should be answered at all, but i only came up with some very stupid things.
but then, when i closed my eyes, i saw a christmas tree from my childhood, which i really liked. i think that the christmas tree was one of the best things about christmas. i was always disappointed with the things that i found under the tree, the food was boring, and the things that all the people would talk about during the event itself were basically nonsense.
but the christmas break would have a tranquilizing effect on my family. they wouldn’t really do many stupid things, and weren’t abusive at all. my mother and grandmother would be busy preparing various foods, it was kinda cool to even just sit in the kitchen and watch it, and the whole house would just work differently somehow, everything was much more peaceful. and after the event itself, between the christmas eve and the new year, the snow covered world outside would go silent. despite the cold air carrying sounds from far away, those days would be the most quiet ever. especially the morning after the eve.
disappointing. i know. i have preschool level aspirations. sorry.