Fits of rage
I have been suffering with depression for quite some years now. It causes me to lose sleep, lose weight and takes with it my drive to get anything done. But with my depression also comes allot of anger…at times for understandable reasons and other times just for minor inconveniences.
I often experience intense fits of rage and at times i’ve broken my own belongings, more often i shout at the top of my lungs hurting myself (my left hand still hurts from last week). The rage i experience feels so intense…it feels like electricity is coursing through my head, as if i’m about to literally short-circuit any moment.
Perhaps it doesn’t show on the outside since people often read me by appearance and body language as being friendly and kind (i am friendly and kind), but some people like to take advantage of that and take that as you being a push-over or an easy target. Sometimes i get harassed while in public and each time i have to exercise tremendous amounts of restraint, so as to not become the worst version of myself in that very moment.
I have experienced sexual harassment; sexual remarks, sexual assault, just last year a guy groped me from behind and made a sexual remark about my butt. Just 2 weeks ago i had a guy following me around through city mall from shop to shop being a straight out creep! Sometimes it’s just ”plain” harassment; About 5 years ago i came out as transgender. I live in a very small town so before you know it everyone knows your business! People that knew me before my coming out started going around spreading the word about me to their friends and encouraged people in their circle (who i’ve never met before) to start harassing me.
I’m very patient, but sometimes i feel like i’m going to f**king lose it and Sparta kick someone through a glass window. If it’s not the experiences i’ve mentioned above…it’s the people who are just unpleasant to deal with, that you meet everywhere while being out in public! Talk about mentally exhausting…having to deal with all of that on top of depression and grief over losing two grandmothers in the same week to Covid-19.