I haven’t been properly diagnosed, but i’m wondering if my depression is perhaps more than circumstantial. Allot of shitty things have happened this year, last year and honestly throughout life. A few of the things i’ve been experiencing being depressed are
Overwhelming sadness and hopelessness
It gets so bad that anyone could tell that something is wrong with me. My facial expression goes blank and my body posture is slow and slumped over. I often experience uncontrollable crying so intense that’s accompanied by me hyperventilating and literally curling up into a ball. Those episodes of depression completely drain my body and leaves me with a headache.
Self care is very-very hard
Forget cleaning my room, washing dishes and doing laundry…i can’t seem to find the energy to do it consistently. Even preparing food and feeding myself is so hard for me to do, that i find i myself eating less to the point that i lost 15 pounds over the course of 6 months. I’m tall (6”0 ft) so my body needs more calories than i’m currently consuming to help me maintain weight and not feel weak during the day.
Feelings of emptiness and loneliness
I feel so empty and emotionally numb inside…i often experience loneliness even as i am surrounded by masses of people in a busy city mall…it feels as if my soul leaves my body (out of body experience) and wanders the earth alone and tormented by a depression so deep, that the word ”depression” alone is not enough to describe what i’m feeling (perhaps melancholy will do?).
I often feel alone in this world, as if i have nothing to live for. A job…? i don’t have one, seeing i don’t get hired. Education…? College application got denied. This leaves me with no money and nothing to do throughout the day. I often have to remind myself that i still have people in my life (my mother for example) who would be absolutely heart broken if i ended my life.
When i feel tired, broken and completely worn out by my depression i often find my body physically slumping over with my head leaning to the left side of my body…it brings a strange kind of comfort because for a second it almost feels as if I’ve successfully hung myself and my body is now lifeless hanging from a rope.