no matter what I seem to do, I just keep living the same kind of life over and over and over again. Same company, different job there, things are better. Get a cat, feel better, get a girlfriend, feel better. Parents aren’t so depressed or visibly disappointed in me that I haven’t gotten married or bought a house, had a different job in a decade. Girlfriend gets cold feet, says she has self identity issues, feels anxious and shitty all the time, we break up. I feel like everything repeats, nothing meaningfully changes, nothing feels worth doing anymore. I feel like I am fundamentally incapable of making a connection with anyone on a deeper, intimate level. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. everything is just the same shit until I probably die in a way where no one finds my body for a few days.
I’m just tired and sad all the time. I don’t want to keep trying at making things better cos I just think it’s fleeting and I’ll be back to the same spot. I think people will miss me and be sad, but it just gets so hard to deal with, it’s harder and harder to use that as a reason to stop me, when I think all of the people in my life will be out of it, one way or another, from boredom- or from leading fulfilling lives that I’ll just slowly fall out of them.
Why bother anymore?