catharsis

this is far from the first time, in fact it’s been happening for such a long time but i didn’t mention it: i keep telling myself to shut up but there is no voice. i know some people experience “voices” but its not that, it’s like someone is talking to me on mute, i don’t know what it is saying but i think maybe it’s me telling my thoughts to shut up, but i don’t know what i’m thinking either. feeling like something is foreign inside my head isn’t the first time either, the slight itch started yesterday, i don’t know, there’s something heavy and uncomfortable. it’s raining again. I feel like i’m holding in so much that i want to throw up every bit of organs left in me. I remember a time that was especially bad, it’s as if bugs have entered from the top of my scalp and have crawled down to under my skin inside my limbs, eating up my brain. but it shouldn’t be a bit issue if i’m still sane and functioning, even I myself don’t know what happened to me, what has happened or what is happening, the least i need is myself convincing me to believe things. Through trials and errors I have put myself inside a loop of false thoughts which i know is both real and fake and i can’t convince myself either way. It’s real but it isn’t, and if they’re all false, what part of me is real? then it further feeds into the idea that everything about me, isn’t real. I have lived for such a short time, I am too young to be experiencing any of this. being under the sun drags me back to reality a bit, but the sun don’t want me either. I’m not needed, nor wanted, anywhere, in no place i’m worth anything. I know this is wrong but i know it is real. and here i am with the same answer to it all, that is to die, just like the most of my recent posts, i talk about what’s been happening, and i suggest that i die. just like how i say it is real but it isn’t, I can’t die but I have to. Didn’t I tell you to not argue logic to a defect?