There’s so much regret and longing lodged in my brain. Nighttime is when it all starts leaking out into my consciousness, tormenting me. There’s so much I wish I’d done differently, been a completely different person. I feel like I’ve been set on this path for so long, but I can’t help wondering…what if? Could some twist of fate have saved me? But I didn’t believe in it then, as I don’t now. I was already too far gone. All that’s changed since then is age.
When I think back, I forget how fucked up and alienated I already was back then. Nobody could’ve saved me. I had more hope, and I was younger. But I was still beyond help. I was already dead socially, as I am now. The realisation just hadn’t fully set in yet.