Unlike many others and unlike the clichés of being alone or being a loser, I am not. I’m a smart guy, I was decently liked in school and I never made any trouble for anyone but myself. Around 14 or 15 I got into something that has ruined my life since then. I’ve hurt others I’ve cared about by just being absent minded and not thinking. Recently I hurt the love of my life by asking someone else for naked pictures and we broke up (been a few months now) but I’ll never forgive myself or stop loving her. At 24 years old, I finally found the first person I was absolutely IN LOVE with and wanted to marry and have kids with. ( a very shocking thing to hear from me if you know me, always vowing never to have kids) yet still hurt her the way I did.
Honestly I’m not AS sad as I use to be and you may think, “that happens to everyone, life will go on” but remember the trouble I said I got into? It’s very bad. Federally bad. So knowing that I no longer HAVE a future and knowing that everyone will hate me and look down on me, even though I have so much love to give everyone and want to help people in the world.
I just feel the way the title says, “I Just Want to Go”. I have never been religious, in fact the total opposite. I’ve been a hardcore atheist my whole life, arguing with and “disproving” Christians, but I’ve prayed and opened myself to God for a while now. I’ve prayed to have my ex happy and loved (she’s been through rape, kidnapping, abusive relationships, etc before me and she very much deserves happiness) I’ve prayed for a miracle, to wake up back in time to try again, but obviously that won’t happen. I’ve prayed and bargained that if God helps me with this, I would turn my life in a better direction of helping others and going to church.
God has answered some prayers of mine, thankfully, but I’ve also prayed for him to just let me go. I use to pray every night that I would just go to sleep and not wake up again… I still hope for that because it would be the easiest way to go but I’ve also researched peaceful ways to die and all seem either ineffective or painful. I don’t want to suffer, hurt or be disfigured and that’s what is holding me up so far other than knowing I’d make people very sad and angry.
I’m not in a “woe is me” mood or anything (anymore) and I don’t feel like “feeling alone” is a reason to die but I’m tired of hurting myself and others, I have no contribution to society and I just want to go already. I hate the stigma around suicide being a taboo thing. If I WANT TO DO IT, then I should be able to as a clear minded adult. If I could take a pill, go to sleep and not wake up if do it in a heartbeat after writing a nice letter to everyone individually. I JUST. Want. To. Go.
1 comment
Greetings, my brother in Christ. I also used to be the kind of atheist who always argued with Christians until I read the Gospel and opened my heart to Jesus. Like you, I made a fool out of myself soooo many times and hurt people I love without meaning it. It sucks, it really does. When it happened, I felt like burying myself ten feet underground so nobody could ever see me again. But with time, I learned to let go so that I would cease wanting to go. You have so much love in your heart, so much love to give, and it’s beautiful that you’re getting close to God. I pray that He’ll help you share this love step by step, one day at a time, and that you’ll find peace. Even though people hate you, you’re a wonderful soul and you still have opportunities to do good.