I haven’t posted in a long long time, but that doesn’t mean I’m any better! I just don’t ever have the energy to write out a post.
but this is too much to keep inside me, so here I am. I’m now sure that my brother is abusing me. I’m sick of pretending that everything is fine and I’m sick of feeling guilty for his mistakes, so I’m not going to hedge it anymore. he is an abuser and it isn’t my fault he makes me fear for my life.
I made a post a while back about getting weird “vibes” or something from my brother, I can’t remember exactly- I know I felt there was something off about him. I remember he kept touching me, but it technically wasn’t sexual touching- just on my head and shoulders- so I ignored it and went on with my life. Well, now it’s escalated into full physical violence. I almost had a panic attack once because I thought he was going to murder my parents (turns out he just punched my mom, but I was hiding in the basement so I didn’t know that). I was convinced he had a knife and was in the process of stabbing them.
it’s weird to admit it. I don’t feel like these memories are mine. like, yeah, I don’t like my brother, but he’s nice sometimes. sometimes he’s actually funny. sometimes I don’t talk to him just so he won’t kick me. uhh okay now that I write that’s kind of messed up
does this have any correlation to my mood swings? jury’s still out on that. maybe my entire family’s just mentally ill and this is a coincidence, or maybe its related, I dunno. it doesn’t matter right now.
I’m sorry if this is hard to understand, I don’t know what to feel right now. I’m probably never going to call CPS because my parents are brown and they’ve instilled that good old the child social workers are evil!!!!! stuff in me. I’ve always known it was just so they don’t have to face consequences for abuse, but still. My mom just laughs my concerns off. I feel like nobody is going to take me seriously.
Besides, half the time social workers are useless. the nicest adult that I’ve ever met is my gym teacher. it’s not even her job, but she puts in the time to make sure I’m alright. not some random official who talks to me once then passes me off to be someone else’s problem. It sounds kind of selfish but ifiddkskds idk what to put here jzuusdjkdfnd
I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll just lie low for now. I’m going to be having a therapist appointment soon but I wouldn’t trust a therapist with a paperclip. ok bye