I remember watching ‘Good Will Hunting’ when it came out; I was 25 years old, and the line “One day I’m going to wake up and be fifty” hit me hard. Though not formally diagnosed, I was anxious/depressed then too and I remember thinking “If I wake up and I’m 50 and I’m no happier than I have been, I’m killing myself”.
My 50th birthday is in the summer, and I’ve realized I’m not going to make it that long.
I’m not even ‘depressed’, I’ve just stopped caring. After around 40 Ayahuasca ceremonies and recently discovering lithium orotate the depression is better and the mania is gone. Now that I’m able to detach and think about my life logically I’m left with the cold, hard reality: I fucked up my life too badly to fix it in the time I have left and I never wanted to be here anyway so there’s no use in sticking around.