I haven’t been feeling good of late, and there’s nothing in my control that I can attribute it to. It makes me feel helpless. Which in turn makes me think about God. God is a slippery slope, I feel. I have never understood how people can harbour such grand beliefs and continue to go about their daily lives. If there are Gods, and another, better world, and an afterlife, or souls and rebirth, doesn’t all that is holy transcend the monotony of taking out the garbage? How can you labour when you believe this world is vulgar and incomplete? I’m sure that’s the reason suicide is sin nearly everywhere, but even if the way out isn’t suicide, how can people be religious and yet take life so seriously?
Well back to what I can make sense of. I can’t focus on anything. I need my head right now, it’s a crucial time in my life, but I cannot think clearly about anything. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to read a word. I don’t want to think. The only thing I can do with vigour is daydream. I’m dissatisfied with this living again. My world is too small. I want to see lands greater than I can imagine. I want work I believe in. I want to be quiet for days and weeks. I want to see birds, forget about cars and cellphones and air pollution. I want to go months without seeing another human being. I want to know nobody in the entire world. Have no one to answer to. I want, just for a short time, to be absolutely free. This is what kills me every time.
I never mastered mindfulness. My own mind betrays me with every thought.