Of Two Minds

Fall is here again. I’ve said it before, but this season along with winter always feels like everything is dead. It feels like everything around you is decaying and frozen over. I can’t say that I’m a fan of spring or summer either, but there’s something even worse about the fall. My senior project isn’t going well. It just started and I already feel like there’s no control. I’m the project manager and I have no idea why I agreed to that. This failure will be on me like always. I haven’t talked to my friend in some time. The one who I would call every Friday. He really helped me get through that summer. I understand though. He’s working 9 days straight now with a single day off in between. I know that I can’t depend on someone to come help me every time I fall down, but the feeling of being on my own still somehow hurts me. I don’t have many friends. I do speak to some guys online and we play games, but I have this weird feeling about them. Like it would be rude to be a bummer around a group of guys who are always laughing and joking around. To their credit they do say that they’re there if I ever need them. And I have talked about bummer things before, not too bummer mind you. Although I feel that I’m not close enough to be like that around them. I also reconnected with her again after all this time. We started talking again normally, but I still feel as if we are still complete strangers to each other. I think it’s fair to say that I built up this idea of her in my head and feel some what lost when I compare reality to fiction. It’s not fair to her and it’s something that is my own fault. I had this idea that in a perfect world she would be there for me and I’d be able to tell her all the things in my head. But when it comes to speaking what’s on my mind, I feel like we are strangers and there is no real point in telling her anything. Even thought I have spent so much time texting her and messaging her all the inane thoughts in my head that should probably just keep there. I think I am of two minds. One mind wants to open up and have someone close and the other feels like there is no point to it and being alone is safer. I think that’s why I always come back here. It’s a way to process all the stuff in my head without really needing anyone. I’ve been real good with my medicine up until a few weeks ago. I need to keep at it, or I’ll just fall apart.