Shit… and now it’s all too easy… I… I promised someone I wouldn’t. And here I am sitting alone in the dark. With all the means to finish the job. I… I know I can’t I just… I feel so lost. So uncontrollably alone. So much is happening right now and I don’t know what to do. Someone hurt me deeply and I don’t feel an ounce of anger over what that thing did. And I don’t feel sorry for it either. I don’t feel anything at all for the most part. But.. that’s all I’ve ever felt for years. Like taking another hit. And another and just accepting it. Accepting that this is my life and this is all that’s going to happen to me. As if I could care that it’s happening. And that when anyone else around me gets mad at this thing. Or at anything else. Or sorry for me I despise that they do. They should be feeling nothing too. They should be moving on like I am. Is it really so important that I have to waste my time feeling it more? What’s there to do about the situation? It’s not like I can go back in time and fix it. Change it. And even if I could is it worth it anyways? And then… my birth mother, the person who I am living with right now… she is always getting irritated at me that I don’t find a particular interest in bloody anything. “What do you want for dinner?” I don’t care. And it irritates her. And even if I say “fine, spaghetti.” Even then it’s not enough cause she wants me to actually want something. Food is food. Am I supposed to find an interest in it? And I don’t like humans. I don’t like humanity. The only things that make sense to me is plants really. Wood. Candles and shit like that. But then… but now is life even good enough to live for those things? I mean I guess yeah. But if I’m going to force myself to live I want it to mean something. And right now almost everything means nothing to me. It’s just… there’s nothing there. And am I supposed to feel guilty for this? For something I can’t even control? And yet I… I kind of already do. And that in itself irritates me. And I’m so tired… of everything around me. And what am I supposed to do about any of it? About all of it? Shamed for feeling nothing at all about everything and all. How cruel… but is it? I don’t even know…
1 comment
I think acceptance is fine, but you still might need some time to process things when you’ve been hurt deeply. If you deny pain it just seems to get trapped/pushed down deeper. Sometimes it’s worth really acknowledging to yourself how you’re feeling, even if there’s nothing you can do to change things. Otherwise you can become alienated from your own feelings. Telling yourself that a feeling is pointless doesn’t actually stop the feeling – it just pushes it below the surface, where it’s harder to manage or understand. It sucks but we’re not rational machines – we’re emotional animals. That part of your brain needs to be tended to, or it may well malfunction, resulting in feelings of depression and emptiness.
Maybe the way forward is gradually recognizing how you’ve felt deep down, without trying to silence or deny it?