I just blocked my friends again. I went on a random chat as kind of like a whatever thing. And now I’m talking to him offsite and wondering….. What were the chances? Is this a sign to move on? I’ve already destroyed what i had with my friends… With them i feel horrible but away from them i miss them.
I’m going to hate myself if i continue with this…. :'(
But, it gives me a blank slate. I’ll just hide my disorders. I can be “normal” like back in school….
He doesnt need to know i cut. That i have “irregular” eating patterns. That i have a drink almost every day. That im almost always high. That i have bpd ect.
Just like in school…. I can go back to a life of ignorance.
update: or not. so i ended up making 2 friends and 1 still doesnt know. the other GUESSED!!! “you must have had a shitty life” (not even close to what was said, paraphrasing). i was talking about making supper and he guessed ive had problems. ok, the first friend still knows nothing and he doesnt know anything is currently wrong.
but a guess…..??? and talking to the other friend my bpd is SO obvious. i am too broken….theres no way i can hide this forever :'(
i dont even want to see christmas (and yet “hey why dont you invite your mom over for christmas dinner”) i dont even want to see december, but im running out of time so i most likely will. i wish i was dead and forgotten already